Michael Showalter » Thoughts & Observations

July 11, 2010

Taxes

It’s been a long cold winter but spring is finally here. How do I know? I know because, just like last year at this time, it’s a beautiful day outside and I’m trapped at my desk trying to figure out how to do my taxes. Let me amend that last statement: I’m trapped at my desk trying to figure out how to use the computer program that is supposedly there to help me do my taxes. You know what? Let me amend that statement too: I’m actually trying to figure how to use the computer that is supposedly there to help me use the computer program that is supposedly there to help me to do my taxes. It’s a lost cause.

I wish it was the medieval times and some guy would ride on horseback to my house and demand money for the king and I’d just give him a little bag of gold coins, or a box filled with spices, or maybe just a goat would suffice. That would be so much less complicated. They barely ever worried about how to use TurboTax in those days.

And why do I always wait until the last minute? Oh, I know! Because it’s a horrible experience that I want to avoid at all costs. I mean not that filling out forms and giving away your money isn’t fun. It’s a blast!
I know I should just cave in and take my taxes to an accountant but you’ve got to understand something – I won’t even ask a stranger for directions! I once drove from Delaware to Philadelphia and wound up in Albuquerque, New Mexico because I wouldn’t ask for directions. I knew I was completely lost but for me it was a pride thing. By the way, Albuquerque is a great city.
See, I’m a do-it-myself kind of guy. Paying some “trained professional” just doesn’t sit right with me. I mean it’s not like these guys went to school for this or anything. (My girlfriend has just informed me that they do go to school for it.) So fine, they went to school for it.

Look, I built that birdhouse in our backyard myself so why can’t I do this myself too? Wow. I just had a thought: If I could somehow convince the IRS to let me build a birdhouse instead of filling out these forms I’d be golden. That would be a walk in the park! Note to self: write my senator a letter and ask him if sending Uncle Sam a birdhouse instead of doing my taxes is a cause worth fighting for in congress. Another Note to self: Find out who my senator is.

Maybe I’m bad at this because I’m right brained. That means I’m creative. Sadly though, last time I checked they don’t give refunds for being good at drawing pictures of boats. Maybe I’m bad at this because I blew off math in high school. Then again, I blew off European History too and I’m not being audited for that! Thank God, I don’t have to write a big paper by April 15th every year on the rise and fall of the Roman Empire otherwise I’d really be in trouble. I know that Caesar has a salad named after him, and I know that Marc Antony is married to J-Lo but other than that I draw a blank on the subject.
Now I’m wondering, what classes didn’t I blow off in high school? Well, I didn’t blow off my English classes but I don’t remember much about them either. I mean I know we read Old Yeller but I don’t see how that’s supposed to help me with these W-2 forms. I definitely didn’t blow off the karate classes I took in that strip mall after school. I busted my butt and I still have that yellow belt as proof.

Okay, I give in. I’m calling a CPR for help. They’re great because they’ll do your taxes and give you the Heimlich maneuver if you choke on a sandwich when they tell you what you owe.

Posted at 9:23am in Humor Hotel | Permalink | Comments (16) |

July 11, 2010

Seven Suggestions For The Next Winter Olympics

SEVEN SUGGESTIONS FOR NEW EVENTS AT THE NEXT WINTER OLYMPIAD

1. “Mixed Pairs Shoveling The Car Out Of The Snow” In this event, couples would be given a shovel, an ice scraper, a parked car and three feet of snow. The first team to get their car out of the parking space, and drive to work on time wins. Using your arms to push the snow off the hood of the car is legal but any team caught cursing the snow or paying a next-door neighbor’s son to help them with the shoveling would be disqualified immediately.

2. “Combined Cross-Country Trudging Through The Snow To Run Errands & Help Their Kids Make A Snow Fort” In this event, Olympians must trudge ½ a mile through the snow to pick up the dry-cleaning. Players may wear only standard rubber galoshes or work boots, no snowshoes or walking sticks allowed. Any player caught accepting a ride from a friendly passerby with four-wheel drive will be disqualified. After picking up the dry-cleaning, players must return home, drop off the dry cleaning then go out to the front yard and help the kids with their snow fort. Strategy includes deciding whether or not to eat a snack when you get home or save time by going directly outside to get it over with more quickly.

3. “Team Snowball Fight” Each country assembles a team of its five most tireless, vicious, and aggressive snow ball fighters. Most countries will find themselves with teams compromised of teenage boys. The Team Snowball Fight will take place in the middle of a crowded street. Teams must roll their snowballs by hand. Extra points will given for hitting opposing players in the face, knocking an opposing player over, or catching a snow ball that has been thrown at you and throwing it back without crushing the snowball. Judges will give demerits for hitting innocent bystanders, or cars passing by. Judges will give double demerits and possible disqualification if either team hits an old lady with a snowball by accident.

4. “Team Pursuit Forcing Your Kids To Wear A Scarf Relay” In this event, parents are given the task of trying to convince their children to wear a scarf to “keep their necks warm.” Success at this event will depend entirely on how well behaved and eager to please the children are. Popular tactics in this event include telling your child that if he doesn’t wear a scarf he’ll “catch a cold” or worse “get the flu.” After one child has successfully been forced to wear a scarf, players can then move on the next child.

5. “Men’s Combined Checking The Weather Report & Looking Outside To See If It’s Started Snowing Yet Slalom” The winner in this event is the man who can check the weather report and look outside to see if it has begun snowing yet the most amount of times in a two-hour period. Players may utilize all forms of information to check the weather: Internet, TV, radio, or almanac. Players will be given extra points for checking the weather report on more than one source simultaneously.

6. “The 30K Drag Your Child Through The Slush On A Sled At 7 A.M. Run” Each player will be given one sled, one child, and 30 kilometers of slush. Great physical and mental stamina is required for this grueling event. Strategy includes talking to friends on your cell phone while you drag your child, bringing a thermos filled with coffee to stay awake, and occasionally trying to see if your dog is capable of dragging the sled while you take a breather.

7. “Outdoor Free-style Taking Pictures Of How Much Snow There Is Medley” Players are given a digital camera and thirty minutes to go outside and document how much snow has fallen. After the pictures have been taken players will then email the pictures to friends and relatives with captions saying things like, “Can you believe this?” “The Abominable Snowman!” and “Ugh!”

Posted at 9:21am in Humor Hotel | Permalink | Comments (3) |

July 2, 2010

The World Cup

WORLD CUP

I love sports. And I’m really easily to please. I’ll watch anything. Full disclosure, I’m one of those guys that got into curling during the Winter Olympics. I was on the edge of my seat going, “Swiffer that ice faster! Swiffer that ice faster!”

Sadly, in spite of my heroic efforts, I just can’t get into the World Cup. It hurts me to say it but I think it’s…kind of lame. Futbol fans of the world you may send your hate mail to my website: www.michaelshowalter.net.

Where to begin? Well, let’s start with the goal scoring, or should I say “not-goal” scoring. I thought these guys were the best in the world. Why can’t they score a goal? I mean, I’m not much of a soccer player myself – and to boot I’m very, very slow – but I’m pretty sure that if I was out there I’d be scoring goals left and right. But these guys couldn’t hit the side of the barn!

My suggestion: Make the goals bigger. How much bigger? Slightly bigger than the side of the barn.

And what about all the acting out there? Whenever one of them falls down they clutch their legs and roll around on the grass like they’ve been shot. The acting performances in the world cup give the cast of “Mad Men” a serious run for their money.

My suggestion: They should give out acting awards in addition to trophies at the end of the tournament: “Best Faked Injury in Soccer Game”; “Best Clutching of the Ankle”; “Best Cry of Pain”.

And what about the officiating? There are barely any goals scored as it is and whenever one is scored the officials call it off! To make it worse, they’re never right. They have giant jumbo screens on the field and everyone in the stands can see when the referees have a missed a call but the referees themselves won’t make a correction. Even with 80,000 drunken Brits screaming at them. I heard that’s what The Revolutionary War was like: 80,000 drunken Brits screaming at you.

Apparently, FIFA, the world cup governing body, is opposed to using technology in their officiating. I can totally understand that. I mean if they used technology, then what? Robot uprisings? Invisible cloaks? 3G phone reception in an elevator?!

My suggestion: This is VERY RADICAL but my suggestion is that they have a referee who sits behind something called a “television” and watches the game. When a controversial call is made this referee looks at his “television” and if the incorrect call is made, he corrects it. This is VERY RADICAL I know, but part of me thinks that maybe it’s so crazy it just might work. Futbol fans of the world you may send your hate mail to my website: www.michaelshowalter.net.

Then there are the announcers – as soon as one goal is scored, no matter how early, they start saying the game is out of reach for the other team. Can you imagine if they said that in any other sport? “The Bengals have kicked a field goal! It’s over! The next three quarters are an afterthought.” “The Cubs have such scored a run on a sacrifice fly. The Phillies can just pack it up now. These next 8 innings are meaningless.” “Kobe Bryant made a lay-up on the Lakers first possession. Let’s go home. It’s a blow out.”

My suggestion: Don’t say that.

And finally, can we talk about the coaches? Is it just me or do they all kind of look like mob hit men? These guys stalk the sideline in black suits, scowling, and leering at their players. It’s scary. And all the assistant coaches wear black suits too. I’d hate to play for these guys. I can imagine the speech during halftime, “Hey Mike, you missed a head ball in the 33rd minute, let’s go take a long walk to the docks.” Thanks but no thanks.

My suggestion: Smile? Be less scary? A funny hat couldn’t hurt.

In conclusion: I want to like soccer and I’m going to watch the next world cup too, but if there’s some curling on at the same time? I’m changing the channel.