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Doodle Monday October 18th

outer space is cool

Homemade Spacecraft from Luke Geissbuhler on Vimeo.

cool/not cool

Bow tie pasta

Bow tie

Amazing Coincidence!

how crazy that the chocolate looks just like the Brooklyn Bridge?!

Bagel Bike

This bike has a bagel on the left handle, and that bagel’s been there for about two weeks.

This raises several questions.

First, who put the bagel there?

If it was the bike’s person, then I hope he honestly meant to eat the bagel but wanted to save it for later. It takes two hands to properly ride a motorcycle, so it’s not inconceivable that this guy (we’ll call him Carl) grabbed the then-delicious/warm bagel from the coffee shop and either (a) realized, “OH SHOOT, I gotta ride! I can’t bagel and ride!” or (b) thought, “Yeaaaahhh, this is gonna taste so good later when I’m actually hungry for it after a day of cruising.”

If it was someone else, then I hope it was a prank played by a friend of Carl’s. What a thoughtful, kind-hearted prank! As in, some good soul (we’ll call him Al) traipsed along the street, saw Carl’s motorcycle and thought, “I’m so gonna punk Carl with a bagel handle — and he’s gonna LOVE IT.”

(Unless Carl has a gluten intolerance. In which case Al is a sadistic d-wad, and has either (a) no regard for bagels, or (b) little to no regard for motorcycles.)

Sure, I’d like it if Al knew Carl loved bagels, bought him a bagel for the road, but was late for his volunteer work at the VFW soup kitchen and had to leave the bagel on the handle in a hurry. But I’d like it BETTER if Al or some other merry prankster really wanted to get Carl good, and instead of succumbing to the douchy route of bag of shit or bag of fetal pig, he opted for wholesome bread roll. Brilliant! I tip my hat to you, Al.

The fact that the bagel is STILL on the handle after two weeks leads me to believe that either (a) Carl doesn’t know the bagel is there, (b) Carl forgot about the bagel, or (c) Carl is dead.

Now, you will notice that the motorcycle does not have a bagel holder. It doesn’t even have a CUP holder! Real primitive. More people would probably ride motorcycles if they were more awesome. Some other hardware improvements would make this sweet ride way sweeter.

How about a cream cheese dispenser?

A cutlery drawer?

And who wouldn’t love a lox box? (Winner!)

You could certainly customize your bike to fit your personal breakfast preference. For instance, stick a griddle where you’re supposed to sit, and you’ve got a Pancake-cycle. Turn the helmet holder into a giant bowl for cereal. You’ll get some nice grill marks if you toss bacon on the street and roll over the strips with your front tire. The possibilities are endless.

The real tragedy of the whole thing is that this bagel is definitely stale by now. Which is a shame, because I can tell by the seasoning that it was an everything. It’s like they say, “Coulda been everything to somebody, wound up nothin’ to nobody.”

Damn shame. Poor Carl.

Doodle Monday October 11

(I’m the one in the turtleneck sweater.)

IDEAS FOR STUFF TO GIVE OUT OTHER THAN CANDY THIS HALLOWEEN

1. TURKEY MEATLOAF

2. SALT PORK

3. PEA SOUP WITH CHUNKS OF HAM

I was coming into my building recently and I saw a flyer taped to the wall next to the elevator. It read:

MOVING SALE!
Sofa bed $50
Baby Bjorn potty $5
Breast Pump (like new) $50
Ceiling Fan $40

I really think it bears repeating: Breast Pump (like new) $50

I may alone here but my feeling is that with things like a breast pump there’s really no such thing as “like new.” Right? It’s either new or it’s not. I mean you’d never put this sign up in your lobby:

Turkey Sandwich (like new) $7
Jock Strap (like new) $12
Cat Litter (like new) $8

Look, if I bought a car, drove it around the block, and then decided to resell it then I think I could say, in fairness, that it was “like new.” But a breast pump? Like new? Seems to me that once you’ve pumped…well…it’s not “like new” it’s “like…nasty.”

Notice she didn’t tell us that the Baby Bjorn Potty was “like new.” Did she? All she said about the Baby Bjorn Potty was that she wanted five bucks for it. Judging by that price, I’d say it’s hardly new at all. I’d say that Baby Bjorn Potty has some serious wear and tear on it. If she were being more consistent with her advertising she’d have written.

Breast Pump (like new) $50
Baby Bjorn Potty (heavily pooped in) $5

I guess I feel like if you’re trying to sell a baby toilet for five bucks maybe you should just do everyone a favor and throw it away. In fact, I’ll give you the five bucks if you’ll throw it away!

But back to the pump. Let’s assume that is “like new.” Like, she only pumped milk out of her breast with it “a few times”? Maybe she only milked herself “sporadically”? Well, even if that’s true, I’m not buying it: literally and figuratively.

Ultimately, it’s all about salesmanship. Like, I think this would have been a much more appealing pitch:

Really Great Breast Pump!!!! $50

You see by saying “Really Great Breast Pump” she’s vouching for the breast pump’s greatness without forcing us to contemplate why she knows it’s great. It’s subliminal advertising. Sure, she knows it’s great because she’s milked herself with it a bunch of times but she doesn’t have to say that.

Or, how about this? Vintage Breast Pump $50 People love vintage stuff! Vintage stuff is classy! Heck, I might buy that breast pump myself just because it’s vintage. Who knows? It could be worth something! I could go on The Antique Road Show and get it appraised. Maybe it’s a real find and is worth, like…a million dollars!

Or, how about this? Retro Breast Pump $50 Retro is super hip. Just think about it, you could sell the breast pump and be a trendsetter at the same time!

Look, If I’m really being honest about why I’m writing this, I think it’s just that I’m a dude and I really wanted an excuse to say the words “breast pump” a bunch of times. If you noticed, I didn’t have a whole lot to say about the ceiling fan or the sofa bed, did I? Nope. I honed right in on the breast pump. Breast pump. Breast pump. Breast pump.

HENRY THOMAS’ HEARTBREAKING SCREEN TEST FOR “ET”

HENRY THOMAS’ HEARTBREAKING SCREEN TEST FOR “ET”

Thoughts on Lebron

Shame on Lebron James for wanting good teammates! The nerve of this guy! Speaking personally I want to work with all of the most mediocre people I can find. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do! It’s the only thing to do! Why is it the right thing to do? Uh…I don’t know! Leave me alone! It just is!

If given the choice between working with the best people or working with mediocre people I will always chose to work with mediocre people because then I will be way less successful at doing the thing I love the most and have worked my whole life to succeed at! It’s such a no-brainer!
“Hey Mike, you can either have the best co-workers ever, or slightly lame co-workers. What do you chose?” Duh! I chose the slightly lame co-workers! Why would I possibly want the best co-workers? In what way would I benefit from that? Does having the best possible co-workers allow me flourish? Allow my business to flourish? Of course not! It’s absurd! How can Lebron James not see the error in this decision he’s made to work with the best possible colleagues?! It makes absolutely no sense! It is a farce and an outrage!!!
If everyone did what he’s done we’d have successful, happy people everywhere! What a travesty this would be.
I mean could you imagine if great actors chose to work with great directors? What’s next Leonardo DeCaprio making movies with Martin Scorcese? (Editor’s Note: Yes.) Or even worse if great actors actually had the audacity to choose to work with other great actors?! A movie like “Wedding Crashers” could never have worked if the both of the leads had been big movie stars! (Editor’s note: they were.) Or what about politics? Try to imagine if President Obama chose someone like Hillary Clinton to be his Secretary of State?! It would be crazy!!! (Editor’s note: he did.)

I’m an astronaut. I need a really good engineer to fly to the moon with me in case something goes wrong. Give me the worst guy! I don’t want the guy who knows what he’s doing?! It would be an insult to all of the crappy engineers of the world to chose the best engineer. It’s painfully obvious and Lebron should be embarrassed.

I’m a really good schoolteacher. I want to prove how good I am by surrounding myself with less good teachers. It’s good for me. It’s good for my students. It’s wimpy to be like, “I’m a good school teacher and I want to work with other good school teachers.” Any schoolteacher that doesn’t have the guts to want to be at a school where there are no other good teachers is a coward!!!

Furthermore, Lebron should be embarrassed for wanting to live in Miami and not Cleveland! Why anybody would choose to live in a tropical climate where the weather is nice all the time versus a city that is grey, freezing cold and slushy most of the year!

MIAMI

CLEVELAND


Who, given the choice, would ever make such a short-sighted, selfish decision!? Not me! If you said, “Michael, you can either live in Cleveland where it’s grey, cold and slushy, and work with crappy co-workers, or, you can move to Miami where it’s beautiful all the time and work with the best co-workers.” I would, without hesitation, chose to live in the cold, grey, slushy city with the crappy co-workers. Most people would and Lebron James is a terrible person for choosing to live in the city with the perfect weather and the great co-workers. It’s an outrage!!!

Ultimately, I think Lebron will learn the error of his ways. One day he will regret having chosen to live in a city with a beautiful climate, with great co-workers. And we who have vilified him will rejoice! Because none of us would ever make such a foolish decision.