1.

Frederick Paxson said on 12 Jan 2008 at 3:44 am:

FRED THOMPSON is the best person to lead this country. He is a true conservative and has been his entire life. All one has to do is check his record to see this.

MY RESPONSE: I did check his record. It’s on IMDB. He’s a TV actor, a doofus, and a buffoon.

2.

Alan Srout said on 12 Jan 2008 at 3:54 am:

I think Fred can bring America back together, if that’s even possible. America needs a rebirth of patriotism and honor. Republicans also need a rebirth. President Reagan was our last rebirth and he can never be duplicated. Fred Thompson will bring his own down-to-earth common sense to this country.. A little of the good old days of faith, federalism and family would do well for this country. If a conservative runs as a conservative, he will win!
Think of it this way: Eight years of another Clinton White House? Now if that is not a sufficient enough reason to pull together as a nation, and fight this socialist liberal takeover of our government, what is? Folks, we are in for the fight of our lives, just as our young men and women are fighting for our freedoms in Iraq and Afghanistan, we must fight for our nation right here and now! I truly believe Fred Thompson is the one man who can pull this nation back together! Mike Huckabee, John McCain or Rudy Giuliani will just tear us apart.

MY RESPONSE: I think eight years of another Clinton White House would be great.

3.

Jack Burton said on 12 Jan 2008 at 3:57 am:

Go Fred! The man is a genuine conservative, a leader, a statesman, well spoken, and cool headed. The candidate for grown ups.

MY RESPONSE: Fred Thompson is not the candidate for grown-ups. He is the candidate for fans of his television and film acting work who don’t realize that he’s running for President.

4.

Joe said on 12 Jan 2008 at 3:58 am:

Since you want a national law banning smoking (like Huckabee) then you might be comfortable with a national law banning gay marriage! How about a national law banning idiot leftist bloggers who use their lipstick inappropriately….

MY RESPONSE: If gay marriage, or any kind of marriage for that matter, caused lung cancer I would be in favor of banning it. However, last time I checked, gay marriage does not cause lung cancer. And a “national law banning idiot leftist bloggers who use their lipstick innappropiately” sounds like a perfectly sound and reasonable suggestion. I have absolutely no idea what it means but I do feel that innappropriate lipstick use could be a real problem if it got out of hand so kudos for nipping it in the bud.

5.

Regina Carter said on 12 Jan 2008 at 4:08 am:

“When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I wasn’t a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.”
Sure, you applaud Huckabee going after the smokers! But what will stop him from goring your ox? Think!

MY RESPONSE: If Huckabee gores my ox then it will mean that I had an ox which at the present seems unlikely considering I swore after my last ox that I wouldn’t get another one. That said: never say never.

6.

Samir said on 12 Jan 2008 at 4:19 am:

Fred Thompson is an old fuck stuck in the 1950’s.
Fuck him and corporate America.

MY RESPONSE: Agreed.

7.

American Man said on 12 Jan 2008 at 4:24 am:

Samir:What time is it there in Tehran? We don’t need your kind commenting on our elections. Go back to fucking your sheep and we’ll handle electing a leader for our country, okay?

MY RESPONSE: American Man - Do you have nothing better to do at 4:24 in the morning than be a a scary rascist on a random sketch comedians website? Can’t you be a scary rascist somewhere else?

8.

John Lott said on 12 Jan 2008 at 4:49 am:
Senator Thompson didn’t make a statement about smoking being allowed. He just said that it wasn’t the role of the federal government to pass such laws. He would say pass the bans at the state level if that is what you want to do.

MY RESPONSE: “Pass the bans” sounds funny taken out of context. Sorta sounds like, “Pass the buns.” Heh heh.

I read in today’s New York Times that Fred Thompson has gone on the attack against Mike Huckabee. According to the article, “Mr. Thompson then lit into Mr. Huckabee, the former Baptist preacher and Arkansas governor who won the Iowa caucus, for wanting to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, for supporting what he called ‘taxpayer-funded programs for illegals’ and for wanting to sign a law restricting smoking.” He “lit into” him for wanting to sign a law restricting smoking? This Fred Thompson is a tough customer. HOW DARE MIKE HUCKABEE WANT TO SIGN A LAW THAT RESTRICTS SMOKING? I mean what will Huckabee do next? End rape? Help people? Do good things? I’m not saying that I love Mike Huckabee but what kind of an unbelievable dickhead is Fred Thompson?

1. When the check comes, offer to pay the bill, take out your library card, give it to the waiter, and say, “This should just about cover it.” When the waiter brings the card back and says that it’s not a valid form of payment, apologize to him and your date, take out your Barnes & Noble discount card, give it to the waiter, say, “This oughta do the trick.” Then resume conversation with your date. When he returns again, act frustrated and ask your date if she has a valid form of payment and be very apologetic about it. She will see that you read books and will be very turned-on.

2. If you don’t want to do the library card gambit then say, “I believe in Women’s Lib and insist that we go Dutch.” After the meal, when the check comes, take out a calculator (or pen/pencil) and figure out exactly what each of you owe. Add 10% for a tip. When she says that 10% is a shitty tip, tell her that you don’t believe in tipping. She will see that you are opinionated and passionate about things.

3. When you and your date sit down to eat, briskly take the menu away from her and insist on ordering for both of you. Say, “If you don’t mind, I’ll just order for the two of us. I’m good at this. I’m a foodie.” Order the thing on the menu that you’re most certain she won’t like. Order yourself a hamburger.

4. Or, if you don’t want to do that, then order something for her and nothing for yourself. Tell her that you’re vegan and on a diet. Women love men who aren’t into eating meat or food in general. It’s very sexy and masculine to them.

3. Excuse yourself at some point and say, “Will you pardon me for a sec? I gotta take a big ol’ dump.” (don’t leave out the “ol’” that’s key. If you don’t say, “ol’” it will seem crass. By putting the “ol”’ in it’s kinda cute.) Take a long time in the bathroom. When you return, say something like, “I just lost 30 lbs. in there!” She will find this charming and endearing.

4. When the food comes, place the napkin in your shirt like a bib. Be sure to get tons of food on it to indicate its effectiveness. Once or twice during the meal also use the napkin to blow your nose. Be certain to really dig the napkin into your nostril. She will be very impressed by this.

5. During the meal: Talk only about yourself; Brag about your achievements; Rag on people more successful than you; Come across as bitter and resentful of others; Don’t ask her questions. If you’re depressed, tell her. Tell her about all of your insecurities. Confess to all of your shortcomings - particularly as they relate to sex. If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled in your life, tell her about this. When she begins talking, interrupt her and change the subject.

6. When her meal arrives, touch her food to make sure it’s the right temperature. Do this with her water as well. Make sure it’s cold. Don’t be shy. Use your whole hand.

7. Insist on not ordering dessert. Tell her that you think ordering dessert is bullshit and phony. Tell her that you “absolutely hate” ordering dessert. She will be very intrigued by this. She will find you to be extremely uncomprising and strong.

8. After the meal, insist on not walking her home. Tell her that you “don’t believe” in walking a girl home. Tell her that you believe that “chivalry is dead” and that you’re a “modern man.” She will be blown away by this and she will think that you are extrememely progressive and cool.

9. Try to leave a little bit before her. Tell her that you have “somewhere else to be.”

10. Finally, grab a very big handful of mints on your way out and stuff them in your pocket. Tell her, “You never know when these will come in handy.” She will find this to be very smart and pragmatic thinking.

Ol’ pals.

Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
(An Ode To Saddam Hussein)
by Michael Showalter
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
You killed lots of your own peeps cause you loved power.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
You rocked the beret better than anyone (except for Picasso in his old age.)
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
When they found you in that hole after we invaded your country you looked pretty worn out and shitty. Your eyes were very puffy, you were in bad need of a haircut and you just looked bad. Then again, so would I if I’d been hiding in a hole for 90 days.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
You seemed not to have had a very good sense of humor about yourself. I say this because you murdered anyone who said anything bad about you.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
Am I shallow for thinking that in your last days you looked very stylish in your salt & pepper gray beard with the white shirt no-tie and black suit? Nice.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
It didn’t pan out so good for you and stuff.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant.
You had a moustache.
Goodnight.Goodnight.Goodnight.