Cleveland’s real riled up about the Cavs-Heat match-up tonight. REAL riled up. Apparently the city’s still miffed that LeBron ditched Ohio for palm trees and sunny weather, and, oh yeah, lots and lots of moneys and gold and shiny objects.
The pithy t-shirt industry is going CRAZY! “Queen James,” “LeQuitter,” “Cleveland Never Quits.” These are all fine. But I think I can do better.
PITHY LEBRON SHIRTS, by Michael Showalter
If only ALL million-dollar ideas were this easy!
It’s the first night of Chanukah!
Chanukah is my favorite holiday I never celebrate. Part of my negligence is that I’m only 1/2-Jew, therefore I only care about 50% — enough to make me go, “Ooh, Chanukah,” but not enough to will the double bacon cheeseburger away from my face.
Luckily, the 1/2 of me that does my taxes on time is in a festive mood today. Today, I wish my fellow half-Heebs a Happy 1/2-Chanukah.
Light the menorah, Sean Penn!
Spin that dreidel, Lisa Bonet!
It’s the festival of lights, Oliver Stone!
I believe in miracles, too, Paula Abdul!
That’s a whole lotta latkes, Geraldo Rivera!
All living proof that the Jews don’t control Hollywood. (Only 1/2 of it.)
scroll down…
scroll down…
scroll down…
scroll down…
scroll down…
HERE:
their heads are GIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…not at all this type of professor.
(via thoughtcatalog)
I was looking over a list of state mottos the other day, and I came across one that struck me as kind of odd. It was Montana’s motto: Gold and silver.
Just, “Gold and silver.”
Not, “We have gold and silver.” Or, “Come to Montana for gold and silver.” Or even, “Montana: beautiful as gold and silver.” Merely, “Gold and silver.”
Feels a little short, no? I’m guessing that the guy who came up with it wasn’t exactly the talkative sort. Not that I’ve got any problem with shy people or introverts, but I wouldn’t look to them to come up with the motto for my state, that’s for sure. I mean, okay, it’s not all bad. It’s got potential. I’d just feel better if there were an action verb in there somewhere.
Compare this to Hawaii’s state motto: The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness. Obviously written by an extrovert (and potentially a huge windbag but that’s besides the point). It’s a good motto! There’s some meat in there, including a morals lesson (couldn’t tell you what it is but I know it’s got one).
Don’t get me wrong, length isn’t necessarily the issue. You know what they say, “It’s not the size of the boat that counts — it’s the motion of the ocean.” I mean, consider New York’s: Ever upward. Only two words! But two very evocative words behind an optimistic sentiment. It’s a feel-gooder. “Gold and silver” is, well, boring. Maybe if it was something more unexpected, like, “Gold and coffee” or “Sandwiches and silver” I could get more into it. Alas.
I’m just wondering: was there more to it initially? Did a few extras words get lopped off in the printer? Did they run off a bunch of fliers but realize too late that there was a pretty embarrassing typo or pornographic-looking coffee stain?
Imagine the scene. A bunch of Montanans seated around a big table, wracking their brains for the perfect slogan that would embody the essence of Montana. Someone throws out, “Let the rivers run free and the hawks fly,” but this is nixed. So too is “Under God the people rule,” because South Dakota already did it. With no better options, they turn to the guy in the back who’s picking his nose.
“Hey Carl.”
“Yeh?”
“Wanna write the state motto?”
“Yeh”
“Whatcha got?”
“Gold and silver.”
“Carl, did you just list the first two things that came to mind?”
“Yeh.”
Could you imagine if other states did that?
Florida: Oranges and grapefruits here
California: Big trees
South Carolina: Below other Carolina
Idaho: Potato
Where’s the poetry? The inspiration? The spark of whimsy? The splash of god-fearing? The whiff of neener-neener? Because that’s what America’s about (poetry/inspiration/whimsy/god-fearing/neener-neener). And each state’s motto should celebrate the “wow” moment of establishing that state. Right?
But not Montana. Montana just shits out a few nouns and moves on to the state bird (“chicken”).
The internet is the most wonderful place in the world!
That’s why it’s called the Wonderful World Web.
Here’s some cool stuff from some cool sites that I think are pretty cool.
Toothbrush Manufacture Secrets REVEALED
All hail dental hygiene!
(via the daily what)
Cool Tunes: Pogo’s Snow White Remix
(via nextmovie)
LEGO Does Movies
See, young Danny Torrance, playtime IS fun.
(via gawker)
Ricky Gervais sings Elmo “Celebrity Lullabies”
(via urlesque)
And for the New York lovers out there…
(via gothamist)
You know what I think when I wake up? “I’m hungry for pancakes with syrup and a side of sausage but I’m too lazy to make it myself, I wish someone would invent a syrup flavored pancake ball with a chunk of sausage stuffed into it.”
Enter: Dunkin’ Donuts.
SAUSAGE PANCAKE BITES
“3 pop-able mini sausage links wrapped in a maple-flavored pancake”
Did you get that? The syrup is in the pancake and the sausage is in the pancake that the syrup is in too! Fuck it! Let’s all get in that pancake! It’s a pancake party!
Ah! The final frontier in breakfast brevity.
Thank you, I will have 3 orders of 3. But why stop here/there? Why not drop the pancake sausage balls into a blender with a pint of coffee, a splash of whole milk and a cigarette. I’ll take it all in a big cup with a straw to go because I am in a very big hurry! (I’ve got an important “pitch meeting” to attend.) And if, when I time myself slurping, my slurp-time exceeds 29.9 seconds, I will kindly request a full refund.
Wait! Brainstorm! Let’s throw lunch and dinner in there, too. Why not? I’ll have my pancake/sausage ball wrapped in lasagna and dipped in soup please! I will call this UniMeal. Think of all the time this opens up! The patent-pending UniMeal could restore anywhere from two to fourteen hours back to my day, depending how fast I chew. Now I can read all those books I’ve lied about reading! (eg: anything by Jonathan Franzen)
But this is the stuff of dreams, I realize. Perhaps someday a youth with just as much perk and whimsy and disarming charm as a perkier and more whimsical — but comparably disarming/charming — version of myself will take my idea yarn and spin it into a reality.
Until that day, keep up the good work, Dunk. I fully expect to see a TurDunkin’ (chicken stuffed into duck stuffed into turkey stuffed into donut, naturally) by Thanksgiving.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
  |
