amazon iTunes jdub      

Speed Reading

I just heard a radio ad for a speed reading program. The woman who invented the speed reading system says in the ad, “You’ll read ten times faster than you do now and the amazing thing is that you’ll comprehend everything you read.” So wait a minute? You’re telling me that not only will I read faster but I’ll understand what I’m reading too? That sounds too good to be true. Most speed reading programs help you read faster but you won’t understand a word of print. This new program which both teaches how to read fast AND understand the words you’re reading as you read them so quickly sounds AMAZING.

My Response to All of the Fred Thompson Supporters Who Left Comments on My Site

1.

Frederick Paxson said on 12 Jan 2008 at 3:44 am:

FRED THOMPSON is the best person to lead this country. He is a true conservative and has been his entire life. All one has to do is check his record to see this.

MY RESPONSE: I did check his record. It’s on IMDB. He’s a TV actor, a doofus, and a buffoon.

2.

Alan Srout said on 12 Jan 2008 at 3:54 am:

I think Fred can bring America back together, if that’s even possible. America needs a rebirth of patriotism and honor. Republicans also need a rebirth. President Reagan was our last rebirth and he can never be duplicated. Fred Thompson will bring his own down-to-earth common sense to this country.. A little of the good old days of faith, federalism and family would do well for this country. If a conservative runs as a conservative, he will win!
Think of it this way: Eight years of another Clinton White House? Now if that is not a sufficient enough reason to pull together as a nation, and fight this socialist liberal takeover of our government, what is? Folks, we are in for the fight of our lives, just as our young men and women are fighting for our freedoms in Iraq and Afghanistan, we must fight for our nation right here and now! I truly believe Fred Thompson is the one man who can pull this nation back together! Mike Huckabee, John McCain or Rudy Giuliani will just tear us apart.

MY RESPONSE: I think eight years of another Clinton White House would be great.

3.

Jack Burton said on 12 Jan 2008 at 3:57 am:

Go Fred! The man is a genuine conservative, a leader, a statesman, well spoken, and cool headed. The candidate for grown ups.

MY RESPONSE: Fred Thompson is not the candidate for grown-ups. He is the candidate for fans of his television and film acting work who don’t realize that he’s running for President.

4.

Joe said on 12 Jan 2008 at 3:58 am:

Since you want a national law banning smoking (like Huckabee) then you might be comfortable with a national law banning gay marriage! How about a national law banning idiot leftist bloggers who use their lipstick inappropriately….

MY RESPONSE: If gay marriage, or any kind of marriage for that matter, caused lung cancer I would be in favor of banning it. However, last time I checked, gay marriage does not cause lung cancer. And a “national law banning idiot leftist bloggers who use their lipstick innappropiately” sounds like a perfectly sound and reasonable suggestion. I have absolutely no idea what it means but I do feel that innappropriate lipstick use could be a real problem if it got out of hand so kudos for nipping it in the bud.

5.

Regina Carter said on 12 Jan 2008 at 4:08 am:

“When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I wasn’t a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.”
Sure, you applaud Huckabee going after the smokers! But what will stop him from goring your ox? Think!

MY RESPONSE: If Huckabee gores my ox then it will mean that I had an ox which at the present seems unlikely considering I swore after my last ox that I wouldn’t get another one. That said: never say never.

6.

Samir said on 12 Jan 2008 at 4:19 am:

Fred Thompson is an old fuck stuck in the 1950’s.
Fuck him and corporate America.

MY RESPONSE: Agreed.

7.

American Man said on 12 Jan 2008 at 4:24 am:

Samir:What time is it there in Tehran? We don’t need your kind commenting on our elections. Go back to fucking your sheep and we’ll handle electing a leader for our country, okay?

MY RESPONSE: American Man - Do you have nothing better to do at 4:24 in the morning than be a a scary rascist on a random sketch comedians website? Can’t you be a scary rascist somewhere else?

8.

John Lott said on 12 Jan 2008 at 4:49 am:
Senator Thompson didn’t make a statement about smoking being allowed. He just said that it wasn’t the role of the federal government to pass such laws. He would say pass the bans at the state level if that is what you want to do.

MY RESPONSE: “Pass the bans” sounds funny taken out of context. Sorta sounds like, “Pass the buns.” Heh heh.

The Worst Joke Ever

INT. A COFFEE SHOP - DAY

[note: the actor in the photo is not the actual person this story is based on. it's a picture that i got off the web by going to Google and typing in the words, "coffee shop owner." Also, for the employees of The Flying Saucer which is the coffee shop that I most frequent don't worry it's not you either. It happened somewhere else.]

A MAN, 30’s, unassuming, walks into the coffee shop. He is chipper and in a good mood. He believes that other people are inherently good.

coffeeshop.jpg

CUT TO:

The COFFEE SHOP ATTENDANT, 30’s, proves the unassuming MAN wrong by telling the worst joke ever.

COFFEE SHOP OWNER.jpg

The UNASSUMING MAN has lost faith in people.

THE END.

AUTHORS NOTE* I suppose that the COFFEE SHOP ATTENDANT thinks that “Can I have a cup of coffee?” Is perhaps a rude way of asking for something. Maybe if I had said, “May I have a cup of coffee?” Or “I’d like to buy a cup of coffee from you because if I say, ‘Can I have a cup of coffee?’ you will make a bad joke about it because you’re bitter because you went to grad school and had to drop out because you couldn’t finish your dissertation because you smoke too much pot and got obsessed with one of your students who wasn’t that into you in the first place so you made a half-baked attempt at suicide to get her attention but it was too late because she’d already moved to Atlanta with the CNN business affairs guy and now you’re working at a coffee shop during the day and writing your book at night which no one cares about because there’s nothing about Shakespeare’s complete works that hasn’t already been written.” The point is: “I don’t know can you?” Is the worst joke ever, and for me, on a bad day, they are fighting words.

Fred Thompson is the New Person I Hate the Most

I read in today’s New York Times that Fred Thompson has gone on the attack against Mike Huckabee. According to the article, “Mr. Thompson then lit into Mr. Huckabee, the former Baptist preacher and Arkansas governor who won the Iowa caucus, for wanting to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, for supporting what he called ‘taxpayer-funded programs for illegals’ and for wanting to sign a law restricting smoking.” He “lit into” him for wanting to sign a law restricting smoking? This Fred Thompson is a tough customer. HOW DARE MIKE HUCKABEE WANT TO SIGN A LAW THAT RESTRICTS SMOKING? I mean what will Huckabee do next? End rape? Help people? Do good things? I’m not saying that I love Mike Huckabee but what kind of an unbelievable dickhead is Fred Thompson?

FREDTHOMPSON.jpg

Winning Isn’t Everything (apparently)

I love spin. My favorite thing about watching these elections is seeing all the new and inventive ways that candidates spin negatives into positives. In particular, the Romney campaign’s use of Olympics metaphors. When Romney comes in second they say he “won the silver medal.” True, in the Olympics, winning a silver medal is a good thing. In political campaigns however, second place is losing. Anything less than winning, in an election, is losing. If he comes in third will they say he won “the bronze”? How do you brag about that? Not even athletes want the bronze. They have also keep mentioning that they “took gold” in Wyoming. In Olympic terms that’s like winning a gold medal in the steeple chase. Or to put it another way - no one cares. I hope Romney uses more Olympics metaphors. For instance, instead of saying that he wants to “provide better health care”, he could say, “I love the luge.” Or if he wants to say that he “wants a better eductation system” he could say, “Anyone wanna do a quick 440 meter relay race?” Instead of saying that he wants to “lead America” he could say “Ski jump is fun for me to do.” This is to say nothing of the fact that his name is Mitt. Mitt? What were the other names his parents considered naming him? Glove? Pouch? Duffel Bag? Purse? Steam Trunk? As it turns out his real name is, I believe, Willard. In other words, his name is dorky. His nickname is dorkier. What’s his middle name Eggbert? “Ladies and Gentelmen, I give you the new President of The United States of America Willard “Mitt” Romney! I don’t see it.

Ten Things To Do To Impress a Lady on a Date

1. When the check comes, offer to pay the bill, take out your library card, give it to the waiter, and say, “This should just about cover it.” When the waiter brings the card back and says that it’s not a valid form of payment, apologize to him and your date, take out your Barnes & Noble discount card, give it to the waiter, say, “This oughta do the trick.” Then resume conversation with your date. When he returns again, act frustrated and ask your date if she has a valid form of payment and be very apologetic about it. She will see that you read books and will be very turned-on.

2. If you don’t want to do the library card gambit then say, “I believe in Women’s Lib and insist that we go Dutch.” After the meal, when the check comes, take out a calculator (or pen/pencil) and figure out exactly what each of you owe. Add 10% for a tip. When she says that 10% is a shitty tip, tell her that you don’t believe in tipping. She will see that you are opinionated and passionate about things.

3. When you and your date sit down to eat, briskly take the menu away from her and insist on ordering for both of you. Say, “If you don’t mind, I’ll just order for the two of us. I’m good at this. I’m a foodie.” Order the thing on the menu that you’re most certain she won’t like. Order yourself a hamburger.

4. Or, if you don’t want to do that, then order something for her and nothing for yourself. Tell her that you’re vegan and on a diet. Women love men who aren’t into eating meat or food in general. It’s very sexy and masculine to them.

3. Excuse yourself at some point and say, “Will you pardon me for a sec? I gotta take a big ol’ dump.” (don’t leave out the “ol’” that’s key. If you don’t say, “ol’” it will seem crass. By putting the “ol”’ in it’s kinda cute.) Take a long time in the bathroom. When you return, say something like, “I just lost 30 lbs. in there!” She will find this charming and endearing.

4. When the food comes, place the napkin in your shirt like a bib. Be sure to get tons of food on it to indicate its effectiveness. Once or twice during the meal also use the napkin to blow your nose. Be certain to really dig the napkin into your nostril. She will be very impressed by this.

5. During the meal: Talk only about yourself; Brag about your achievements; Rag on people more successful than you; Come across as bitter and resentful of others; Don’t ask her questions. If you’re depressed, tell her. Tell her about all of your insecurities. Confess to all of your shortcomings - particularly as they relate to sex. If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled in your life, tell her about this. When she begins talking, interrupt her and change the subject.

6. When her meal arrives, touch her food to make sure it’s the right temperature. Do this with her water as well. Make sure it’s cold. Don’t be shy. Use your whole hand.

7. Insist on not ordering dessert. Tell her that you think ordering dessert is bullshit and phony. Tell her that you “absolutely hate” ordering dessert. She will be very intrigued by this. She will find you to be extremely uncomprising and strong.

8. After the meal, insist on not walking her home. Tell her that you “don’t believe” in walking a girl home. Tell her that you believe that “chivalry is dead” and that you’re a “modern man.” She will be blown away by this and she will think that you are extrememely progressive and cool.

9. Try to leave a little bit before her. Tell her that you have “somewhere else to be.”

10. Finally, grab a very big handful of mints on your way out and stuff them in your pocket. Tell her, “You never know when these will come in handy.” She will find this to be very smart and pragmatic thinking.

Sasquatch Music Festival

This weekend I was in George, Washington to take part in the Sasquatch Music Festival. Now, when I say in George, Washington I don’t mean that I was actually in George Washington the first president of the United States. That would be impossible and, moreover, kind of gross. No, I was in George, Washington. George is a place and Washington is a state.

I was there to be a “host” at the Sasquatch Music Festival. A piddly little festival, no big names you’ve ever heard of: Bjork, Arcade Fire, Beastie Boys, Bad Brains, Spoon, Interpol, Grizzly Bear, Blackalicious, Neko Case. Like I said, no big names, a piddly little festival. ONLY THE BEST FUCKIN’ BANDS IN THE UNIVERSE! I saw tons of great music. The highlights were Bjork and Arcade Fire: them being two of my favorite artists/bands ever. I saw some great newer bands too: St Vincent, Viva Voce, The Blow, in particular struck my fancy.

They had me, Aziz Ansari and Sarah Silverman hosting different stages. Aziz and I were hosting the smaller stages and Sarah was hosting the bigger one. We thought we’d be there to tell some jokes but it didn’t really work out because once one band had struck their shit and the next band had set up it was time to keep going. I could have told some jokes but it didn’t feel right. I tried it a little and it went ok but the stage manager cut me off. As it turned out I did a lot of, “How you guys doin’? You having fun? What’s up, Sasquatch!? This next band is from Canada! Let me hear you make some noise for Tokyo Police Club!!!!!!!!!” And then I’d walk off the stage and go watch the band.

The thing about doing comedy at a music show is that if there’s even one drunk guy in the crowd that doesn’t want to hear jokes it kinds of ruins it for me and I get really insecure. Typically he’ll go, “Let’s hear some fucking music!” and then I’ll stop in mid-sentence and be, like, “Okay” and then I just bring up the next band because I don’t mind being heckled at a comedy show because i know that most of the crowd is into it but at a music show I have no idea if they’re into it so I just stop and acquiesce to the drunk guy.

On the second day it was really cold and windy. Sarah left cause she was sick and Adam, the festival organizer, recruited me and Aziz to make announcements on the main stage which was like 15,000 people or something crazy like that. Aziz introduced me as Keith Showalter the founder and CEO of Honey Bucket port-o-potties, and there were hundreds of Honey Bucket port-o-potty’s everywhere. The crowd cheered for me. I felt like Mick Jagger, finally. Aziz asked me why we called them “Honey Bucket” and I said it was between “Honey Bucket” and “Doo-doo Box” and that “Honey Bucket” was more aesthetically pleasing of a name.

All in all I give the Sasquatch Music Festival an A+.

Alan Shemper & Of Montreal

OFMONTREAL:SHO.jpg
Ol’ pals.

Anatomy of a Face

Sho Swoop

Goodnight Sweet Tyrant

Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
(An Ode To Saddam Hussein)
by Michael Showalter
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
You killed lots of your own peeps cause you loved power.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
You rocked the beret better than anyone (except for Picasso in his old age.)
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
When they found you in that hole after we invaded your country you looked pretty worn out and shitty. Your eyes were very puffy, you were in bad need of a haircut and you just looked bad. Then again, so would I if I’d been hiding in a hole for 90 days.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
You seemed not to have had a very good sense of humor about yourself. I say this because you murdered anyone who said anything bad about you.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
Am I shallow for thinking that in your last days you looked very stylish in your salt & pepper gray beard with the white shirt no-tie and black suit? Nice.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant
It didn’t pan out so good for you and stuff.
Goodnight Sweet Tyrant.
You had a moustache.
Goodnight.Goodnight.Goodnight.