It’s the first night of Chanukah!

Chanukah is my favorite holiday I never celebrate. Part of my negligence is that I’m only 1/2-Jew, therefore I only care about 50% — enough to make me go, “Ooh, Chanukah,” but not enough to will the double bacon cheeseburger away from my face.

Luckily, the 1/2 of me that does my taxes on time is in a festive mood today. Today, I wish my fellow half-Heebs a Happy 1/2-Chanukah.

Light the menorah, Sean Penn!

Spin that dreidel, Lisa Bonet!

It’s the festival of lights, Oliver Stone!

I believe in miracles, too, Paula Abdul!

That’s a whole lotta latkes, Geraldo Rivera!

All living proof that the Jews don’t control Hollywood. (Only 1/2 of it.)