You know what I think when I wake up? “I’m hungry for pancakes with syrup and a side of sausage but I’m too lazy to make it myself, I wish someone would invent a syrup flavored pancake ball with a chunk of sausage stuffed into it.”
Enter: Dunkin’ Donuts.
SAUSAGE PANCAKE BITES
“3 pop-able mini sausage links wrapped in a maple-flavored pancake”
Did you get that? The syrup is in the pancake and the sausage is in the pancake that the syrup is in too! Fuck it! Let’s all get in that pancake! It’s a pancake party!
Ah! The final frontier in breakfast brevity.
Thank you, I will have 3 orders of 3. But why stop here/there? Why not drop the pancake sausage balls into a blender with a pint of coffee, a splash of whole milk and a cigarette. I’ll take it all in a big cup with a straw to go because I am in a very big hurry! (I’ve got an important “pitch meeting” to attend.) And if, when I time myself slurping, my slurp-time exceeds 29.9 seconds, I will kindly request a full refund.
Wait! Brainstorm! Let’s throw lunch and dinner in there, too. Why not? I’ll have my pancake/sausage ball wrapped in lasagna and dipped in soup please! I will call this UniMeal. Think of all the time this opens up! The patent-pending UniMeal could restore anywhere from two to fourteen hours back to my day, depending how fast I chew. Now I can read all those books I’ve lied about reading! (eg: anything by Jonathan Franzen)
But this is the stuff of dreams, I realize. Perhaps someday a youth with just as much perk and whimsy and disarming charm as a perkier and more whimsical — but comparably disarming/charming — version of myself will take my idea yarn and spin it into a reality.
Until that day, keep up the good work, Dunk. I fully expect to see a TurDunkin’ (chicken stuffed into duck stuffed into turkey stuffed into donut, naturally) by Thanksgiving.