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I was coming into my building recently and I saw a flyer taped to the wall next to the elevator. It read:

MOVING SALE!
Sofa bed $50
Baby Bjorn potty $5
Breast Pump (like new) $50
Ceiling Fan $40

I really think it bears repeating: Breast Pump (like new) $50

I may alone here but my feeling is that with things like a breast pump there’s really no such thing as “like new.” Right? It’s either new or it’s not. I mean you’d never put this sign up in your lobby:

Turkey Sandwich (like new) $7
Jock Strap (like new) $12
Cat Litter (like new) $8

Look, if I bought a car, drove it around the block, and then decided to resell it then I think I could say, in fairness, that it was “like new.” But a breast pump? Like new? Seems to me that once you’ve pumped…well…it’s not “like new” it’s “like…nasty.”

Notice she didn’t tell us that the Baby Bjorn Potty was “like new.” Did she? All she said about the Baby Bjorn Potty was that she wanted five bucks for it. Judging by that price, I’d say it’s hardly new at all. I’d say that Baby Bjorn Potty has some serious wear and tear on it. If she were being more consistent with her advertising she’d have written.

Breast Pump (like new) $50
Baby Bjorn Potty (heavily pooped in) $5

I guess I feel like if you’re trying to sell a baby toilet for five bucks maybe you should just do everyone a favor and throw it away. In fact, I’ll give you the five bucks if you’ll throw it away!

But back to the pump. Let’s assume that is “like new.” Like, she only pumped milk out of her breast with it “a few times”? Maybe she only milked herself “sporadically”? Well, even if that’s true, I’m not buying it: literally and figuratively.

Ultimately, it’s all about salesmanship. Like, I think this would have been a much more appealing pitch:

Really Great Breast Pump!!!! $50

You see by saying “Really Great Breast Pump” she’s vouching for the breast pump’s greatness without forcing us to contemplate why she knows it’s great. It’s subliminal advertising. Sure, she knows it’s great because she’s milked herself with it a bunch of times but she doesn’t have to say that.

Or, how about this? Vintage Breast Pump $50 People love vintage stuff! Vintage stuff is classy! Heck, I might buy that breast pump myself just because it’s vintage. Who knows? It could be worth something! I could go on The Antique Road Show and get it appraised. Maybe it’s a real find and is worth, like…a million dollars!

Or, how about this? Retro Breast Pump $50 Retro is super hip. Just think about it, you could sell the breast pump and be a trendsetter at the same time!

Look, If I’m really being honest about why I’m writing this, I think it’s just that I’m a dude and I really wanted an excuse to say the words “breast pump” a bunch of times. If you noticed, I didn’t have a whole lot to say about the ceiling fan or the sofa bed, did I? Nope. I honed right in on the breast pump. Breast pump. Breast pump. Breast pump.

10 comments

  1. “Vintage”, “Retro” and “Like New” – these are the same tricks I use when I list things on ebay. “Heavily pooped in” works wonders on Craigslist.

  2. Hi Mike,
    Is there a way to see your ‘Making Of’ spots in Canada? Every site I go to has blocked me from watching cause of where I live.
    Wa-Wah-Waaah!
    All the best,
    Mark
    P.S. I will sell you my computer *like new* if I can’t watch yo’ shit.

  3. I am laughing heartily. Thanks:)

  4. Dear Mr. Micheal,
    I know you’re busy and semi-famous, and this is not the forum to bring this up, I had to bring something to your attention. Having just watched your film, “The Baxter,” I have only one criticism of your work… your portrayal of the lovely town of Fergus Falls, MN.

    Not being from Fergus Falls, I can not be it’s biggest cheerleader. Sadly, I grew up in a smaller, even more obscure town just to the north of Fergus Falls (or just “Fergus” for short, to the familiar). My friends and I would drive to Fergus for it’s many entertaining options, including a 5 screen movie theatre, a Perkins Family Restaurant and a swimming pool in the shape of the great state of Minnesota (the North shore/Lake Superior region was the hot-tub.)

    Though, as you claim in your movie, that this maintaining town thrives on “Large Kitchen Parts,” I am pretty sure this is not the case. While flourishing businesses like a Old Veterans Home and cultural beacons like the Center for the Arts and the world’s largest statue of an otter, you felt that you had to fabricate a fact. Fergus has character of it’s own. Needless to say, I moved the hell away from the area as soon I was able, but I can tell you with all the honesty in my heart, it not for it’s excess of Kitchen parts.

    In conclusion, I hope you learned a bit about the real Fergus Falls and in the future, you will do a bit more homework before you mildly slander the name of a good and decent midwestern town.

    Sincerely,
    Tara

    P.S. I’m a big fan. Keep up the good work.

  5. MARK…use an ip-blocker like Hotspot Sheild!

  6. I noticed you also took the opportunity to say “milked herself” a couple of times too :)

    One of my favorites for this kind of thing is “Gently Used.” It actually forces contemplation.

    Very humorous post.

  7. So very silly and funny.

    Breast pump breast pump breast pump.

    I’ve never! And I’d be scared to anyway!

  8. breast pump … pump it, pump it! yeah, yeah!

  9. “…like nasty” …had my eyes watering from laughter. Thank You Showalter. I hope you come back and perform in San Diego, CA again sometime.

  10. This is too hilarious!

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