16
Sep 10

Untitled

I was coming into my building recently and I saw a flyer taped to the wall next to the elevator. It read:

MOVING SALE!
Sofa bed $50
Baby Bjorn potty $5
Breast Pump (like new) $50
Ceiling Fan $40

I really think it bears repeating: Breast Pump (like new) $50

I may alone here but my feeling is that with things like a breast pump there’s really no such thing as “like new.” Right? It’s either new or it’s not. I mean you’d never put this sign up in your lobby:

Turkey Sandwich (like new) $7
Jock Strap (like new) $12
Cat Litter (like new) $8

Look, if I bought a car, drove it around the block, and then decided to resell it then I think I could say, in fairness, that it was “like new.” But a breast pump? Like new? Seems to me that once you’ve pumped…well…it’s not “like new” it’s “like…nasty.”

Notice she didn’t tell us that the Baby Bjorn Potty was “like new.” Did she? All she said about the Baby Bjorn Potty was that she wanted five bucks for it. Judging by that price, I’d say it’s hardly new at all. I’d say that Baby Bjorn Potty has some serious wear and tear on it. If she were being more consistent with her advertising she’d have written.

Breast Pump (like new) $50
Baby Bjorn Potty (heavily pooped in) $5

I guess I feel like if you’re trying to sell a baby toilet for five bucks maybe you should just do everyone a favor and throw it away. In fact, I’ll give you the five bucks if you’ll throw it away!

But back to the pump. Let’s assume that is “like new.” Like, she only pumped milk out of her breast with it “a few times”? Maybe she only milked herself “sporadically”? Well, even if that’s true, I’m not buying it: literally and figuratively.

Ultimately, it’s all about salesmanship. Like, I think this would have been a much more appealing pitch:

Really Great Breast Pump!!!! $50

You see by saying “Really Great Breast Pump” she’s vouching for the breast pump’s greatness without forcing us to contemplate why she knows it’s great. It’s subliminal advertising. Sure, she knows it’s great because she’s milked herself with it a bunch of times but she doesn’t have to say that.

Or, how about this? Vintage Breast Pump $50 People love vintage stuff! Vintage stuff is classy! Heck, I might buy that breast pump myself just because it’s vintage. Who knows? It could be worth something! I could go on The Antique Road Show and get it appraised. Maybe it’s a real find and is worth, like…a million dollars!

Or, how about this? Retro Breast Pump $50 Retro is super hip. Just think about it, you could sell the breast pump and be a trendsetter at the same time!

Look, If I’m really being honest about why I’m writing this, I think it’s just that I’m a dude and I really wanted an excuse to say the words “breast pump” a bunch of times. If you noticed, I didn’t have a whole lot to say about the ceiling fan or the sofa bed, did I? Nope. I honed right in on the breast pump. Breast pump. Breast pump. Breast pump.