Taxes

It’s been a long cold winter but spring is finally here. How do I know? I know because, just like last year at this time, it’s a beautiful day outside and I’m trapped at my desk trying to figure out how to do my taxes. Let me amend that last statement: I’m trapped at my desk trying to figure out how to use the computer program that is supposedly there to help me do my taxes. You know what? Let me amend that statement too: I’m actually trying to figure how to use the computer that is supposedly there to help me use the computer program that is supposedly there to help me to do my taxes. It’s a lost cause.

I wish it was the medieval times and some guy would ride on horseback to my house and demand money for the king and I’d just give him a little bag of gold coins, or a box filled with spices, or maybe just a goat would suffice. That would be so much less complicated. They barely ever worried about how to use TurboTax in those days.

And why do I always wait until the last minute? Oh, I know! Because it’s a horrible experience that I want to avoid at all costs. I mean not that filling out forms and giving away your money isn’t fun. It’s a blast!

I know I should just cave in and take my taxes to an accountant but you’ve got to understand something – I won’t even ask a stranger for directions! I once drove from Delaware to Philadelphia and wound up in Albuquerque, New Mexico because I wouldn’t ask for directions. I knew I was completely lost but for me it was a pride thing. By the way, Albuquerque is a great city.

See, I’m a do-it-myself kind of guy. Paying some “trained professional” just doesn’t sit right with me. I mean it’s not like these guys went to school for this or anything. (My girlfriend has just informed me that they do go to school for it.) So fine, they went to school for it.

Look, I built that birdhouse in our backyard myself so why can’t I do this myself too? Wow. I just had a thought: If I could somehow convince the IRS to let me build a birdhouse instead of filling out these forms I’d be golden. That would be a walk in the park! Note to self: write my senator a letter and ask him if sending Uncle Sam a birdhouse instead of doing my taxes is a cause worth fighting for in congress. Another Note to self: Find out who my senator is.

Maybe I’m bad at this because I’m right brained. That means I’m creative. Sadly though, last time I checked they don’t give refunds for being good at drawing pictures of boats. Maybe I’m bad at this because I blew off math in high school. Then again, I blew off European History too and I’m not being audited for that! Thank God, I don’t have to write a big paper by April 15th every year on the rise and fall of the Roman Empire otherwise I’d really be in trouble. I know that Caesar has a salad named after him, and I know that Marc Antony is married to J-Lo but other than that I draw a blank on the subject.

Now I’m wondering, what classes didn’t I blow off in high school? Well, I didn’t blow off my English classes but I don’t remember much about them either. I mean I know we read Old Yeller but I don’t see how that’s supposed to help me with these W-2 forms. I definitely didn’t blow off the karate classes I took in that strip mall after school. I busted my butt and I still have that yellow belt as proof.

Okay, I give in. I’m calling a CPR for help. They’re great because they’ll do your taxes and give you the Heimlich maneuver if you choke on a sandwich when they tell you what you owe.

16 comments

  1. Thank you Mr. Showalter. Not saying it’s the best editorial but probably better than anything Matt ever wrote, fucking stupid faggot just like every other asshole thinking they are important trying to hide the fact that their live is meaningless. Not saying my life has meaning-def does not- but how about a ‘didn’t like the artical’ ‘not my cup of tea’ Fucking Micheal showalter is funny, succesful and so be it.

  2. STFU Matt

    This is funny! I was expecting some un-funny blog about how it’s our duty to pay taxes or some bull, but nope, it was just silly commentary. Which I like.

    Punch Matt in the throat the next time you see him.

  3. Or the “x does not y (oh wait, x does y! I didn’t know that you guys! Instead of fixing it I’m going to tell you that my GIRLFRIEND had to correct big dumb ol’ me)” bit

  4. daniel, you don’t know matt. its possible he’s written some pretty side-splitting editorials on paying taxes in july.

  5. Gee, the internet sure is brutal. What with anonymity and all. It’s almost like you can judge whomever you want and they’ll never know it’s really you! Clever.

  6. “They barley ever worried about TurboTax in those days.” Priceless! :)

  7. If you don’t like his stuff, don’t read it. I think people just like to argue because it’s Sunday and there’s nothing to do.

    Anyway, I thought it was funny, and the karate pic was hilarious!

  8. That’s a good looking birdhouse, Showalter.
    Well done!

  9. No, matt, you’re what we call a troll you moron.

    Reading this article in Michael’s Stella voice makes it exponentially more hilarious.

    “Guys, I can’t go in there!!”

    “Why not Michael?”

    “I….I have the farts.”

  10. I always scroll down to the end of the comments and then leave a comment advising that I haven’t ready any of the above venom/praise. So I win.
    But I did read the piece Mr. Showalter and I liked it.

  11. Thank you, Michael! This made my day!!

  12. Now I really want to see what this Matt asshole wrote, but it’s gone. Dammit.

    Funny stuff, Sho.

  13. Okay, well now I don’t want to grow up.

  14. As soon as you started talking about not being good at math I thought I should tell you you’re right-brained and to not expect to be good at it. Then I scroll down and see you’re already aware of that fact. Is there nothing you don’t know, Sho?(except math)

  15. Who’s Matt? I started with Daniel and thought, “Wow, he’s really pissed at his partner Matt.” And then was like, “Wow, a lot of Daniel’s friends like Showalter too, because they’re leaving comments on his blog about how they really hate Daniel’s partner Matt.”

    So Showalter, why do you bring out the homophobe in everyone?

    Because you are hilarious. Homophobes hate hilarity.

  16. Also, you know it’s July, right? Just checking.

    (I think you should send the U.S. Treasury a birdhouse anyway — just to cover the late fees.)

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