SEVEN SUGGESTIONS FOR NEW EVENTS AT THE NEXT WINTER OLYMPIAD

1. “Mixed Pairs Shoveling The Car Out Of The Snow” In this event, couples would be given a shovel, an ice scraper, a parked car and three feet of snow. The first team to get their car out of the parking space, and drive to work on time wins. Using your arms to push the snow off the hood of the car is legal but any team caught cursing the snow or paying a next-door neighbor’s son to help them with the shoveling would be disqualified immediately.

2. “Combined Cross-Country Trudging Through The Snow To Run Errands & Help Their Kids Make A Snow Fort” In this event, Olympians must trudge ½ a mile through the snow to pick up the dry-cleaning. Players may wear only standard rubber galoshes or work boots, no snowshoes or walking sticks allowed. Any player caught accepting a ride from a friendly passerby with four-wheel drive will be disqualified. After picking up the dry-cleaning, players must return home, drop off the dry cleaning then go out to the front yard and help the kids with their snow fort. Strategy includes deciding whether or not to eat a snack when you get home or save time by going directly outside to get it over with more quickly.

3. “Team Snowball Fight” Each country assembles a team of its five most tireless, vicious, and aggressive snow ball fighters. Most countries will find themselves with teams compromised of teenage boys. The Team Snowball Fight will take place in the middle of a crowded street. Teams must roll their snowballs by hand. Extra points will given for hitting opposing players in the face, knocking an opposing player over, or catching a snow ball that has been thrown at you and throwing it back without crushing the snowball. Judges will give demerits for hitting innocent bystanders, or cars passing by. Judges will give double demerits and possible disqualification if either team hits an old lady with a snowball by accident.

4. “Team Pursuit Forcing Your Kids To Wear A Scarf Relay” In this event, parents are given the task of trying to convince their children to wear a scarf to “keep their necks warm.” Success at this event will depend entirely on how well behaved and eager to please the children are. Popular tactics in this event include telling your child that if he doesn’t wear a scarf he’ll “catch a cold” or worse “get the flu.” After one child has successfully been forced to wear a scarf, players can then move on the next child.

5. “Men’s Combined Checking The Weather Report & Looking Outside To See If It’s Started Snowing Yet Slalom” The winner in this event is the man who can check the weather report and look outside to see if it has begun snowing yet the most amount of times in a two-hour period. Players may utilize all forms of information to check the weather: Internet, TV, radio, or almanac. Players will be given extra points for checking the weather report on more than one source simultaneously.

6. “The 30K Drag Your Child Through The Slush On A Sled At 7 A.M. Run” Each player will be given one sled, one child, and 30 kilometers of slush. Great physical and mental stamina is required for this grueling event. Strategy includes talking to friends on your cell phone while you drag your child, bringing a thermos filled with coffee to stay awake, and occasionally trying to see if your dog is capable of dragging the sled while you take a breather.

7. “Outdoor Free-style Taking Pictures Of How Much Snow There Is Medley” Players are given a digital camera and thirty minutes to go outside and document how much snow has fallen. After the pictures have been taken players will then email the pictures to friends and relatives with captions saying things like, “Can you believe this?” “The Abominable Snowman!” and “Ugh!”