The Time: Manchester, England. 1884. The Place: Manchester, England. The Year: 1884. Who is this man? And why do you fear him? He is Edwund Fistchwitch. He is a swine and a cuckold. He eats mutton for breakfast and swills wine all day long. He was once a promising baritone for the London Swing Chorus but his buffoonery and callousness got him expelled from the chorus. Now he tends bar at a local pub called, “The Slug & Berry.” He carries a switch with him at all times and wields his switch whenever he please. Be ye an orpan?! He will give ye lashes with his switch! Be ye an hobo? He will give ye lashes with his switch! Why? Because he’s a callous and unfeeling human with a piece of black coal where his heart once was. A lady took it from him. Her name? Lady Wendellia Winderhinder of Kentingtonington. She is the daughter of Ivo King of Danemark!
9 Comments
I bet this man is meeting somone at an outdoor cafe to discuss the upcoming international jewelry heist. Then he will pick up a drunken wench at the bar,drive to the woods and strangle her with her own corset.
It’s a little known fact that the band Devo was greatly influenced by Edwund’s history. In fact, did you know the song “Whip It” was originally entitled “Switch It!”? Unfortunately, due to the infamous “Before the cream sits out too long” lyric and Edwund’s well-known status as a cuckold, changes had to be made.
Those Fistchwitches are a highly litigious bunch.
Are you *sure* the pub wasn’t called The Horse and Groom? Or perhaps The Starving Donkey?
Aww, poor baby. He’s pretty hot, too.
I’ve got it! He just needs the love of a good woman! That is the ONE THING that will FOR SURE change him and make him into the perfect man.
Right ladies? Right?
Sure, Renee. He just needs to learn to stifle that urge to kill;)
What about Edmund’s even more evil twin brother?
I fear him because he wears apple bottom jeans.
The English authenticity was there until you let yourself down by using the word ‘hobo’…
If I can punk him in the ass then he can hit me with his switch. We should be married, it would be a great match.