INT. A COFFEE SHOP - DAY

[note: the actor in the photo is not the actual person this story is based on. it's a picture that i got off the web by going to Google and typing in the words, "coffee shop owner." Also, for the employees of The Flying Saucer which is the coffee shop that I most frequent don't worry it's not you either. It happened somewhere else.]

A MAN, 30’s, unassuming, walks into the coffee shop. He is chipper and in a good mood. He believes that other people are inherently good.

CUT TO:

The COFFEE SHOP ATTENDANT, 30’s, proves the unassuming MAN wrong by telling the worst joke ever.

The UNASSUMING MAN has lost faith in people.

THE END.

AUTHORS NOTE* I suppose that the COFFEE SHOP ATTENDANT thinks that “Can I have a cup of coffee?” Is perhaps a rude way of asking for something. Maybe if I had said, “May I have a cup of coffee?” Or “I’d like to buy a cup of coffee from you because if I say, ‘Can I have a cup of coffee?’ you will make a bad joke about it because you’re bitter because you went to grad school and had to drop out because you couldn’t finish your dissertation because you smoke too much pot and got obsessed with one of your students who wasn’t that into you in the first place so you made a half-baked attempt at suicide to get her attention but it was too late because she’d already moved to Atlanta with the CNN business affairs guy and now you’re working at a coffee shop during the day and writing your book at night which no one cares about because there’s nothing about Shakespeare’s complete works that hasn’t already been written.” The point is: “I don’t know can you?” Is the worst joke ever, and for me, on a bad day, they are fighting words.

I love spin. My favorite thing about watching these elections is seeing all the new and inventive ways that candidates spin negatives into positives. In particular, the Romney campaign’s use of Olympics metaphors. When Romney comes in second they say he “won the silver medal.” True, in the Olympics, winning a silver medal is a good thing. In political campaigns however, second place is losing. Anything less than winning, in an election, is losing. If he comes in third will they say he won “the bronze”? How do you brag about that? Not even athletes want the bronze. They have also keep mentioning that they “took gold” in Wyoming. In Olympic terms that’s like winning a gold medal in the steeple chase. Or to put it another way - no one cares. I hope Romney uses more Olympics metaphors. For instance, instead of saying that he wants to “provide better health care”, he could say, “I love the luge.” Or if he wants to say that he “wants a better eductation system” he could say, “Anyone wanna do a quick 440 meter relay race?” Instead of saying that he wants to “lead America” he could say “Ski jump is fun for me to do.” This is to say nothing of the fact that his name is Mitt. Mitt? What were the other names his parents considered naming him? Glove? Pouch? Duffel Bag? Purse? Steam Trunk? As it turns out his real name is, I believe, Willard. In other words, his name is dorky. His nickname is dorkier. What’s his middle name Eggbert? “Ladies and Gentelmen, I give you the new President of The United States of America Willard “Mitt” Romney! I don’t see it.