INT. A COFFEE SHOP – DAY
[note: the actor in the photo is not the actual person this story is based on. it's a picture that i got off the web by going to Google and typing in the words, "coffee shop owner." Also, for the employees of The Flying Saucer which is the coffee shop that I most frequent don't worry it's not you either. It happened somewhere else.]
A MAN, 30′s, unassuming, walks into the coffee shop. He is chipper and in a good mood. He believes that other people are inherently good.
CUT TO:
The COFFEE SHOP ATTENDANT, 30′s, proves the unassuming MAN wrong by telling the worst joke ever.
The UNASSUMING MAN has lost faith in people.
THE END.
AUTHORS NOTE* I suppose that the COFFEE SHOP ATTENDANT thinks that “Can I have a cup of coffee?” Is perhaps a rude way of asking for something. Maybe if I had said, “May I have a cup of coffee?” Or “I’d like to buy a cup of coffee from you because if I say, ‘Can I have a cup of coffee?’ you will make a bad joke about it because you’re bitter because you went to grad school and had to drop out because you couldn’t finish your dissertation because you smoke too much pot and got obsessed with one of your students who wasn’t that into you in the first place so you made a half-baked attempt at suicide to get her attention but it was too late because she’d already moved to Atlanta with the CNN business affairs guy and now you’re working at a coffee shop during the day and writing your book at night which no one cares about because there’s nothing about Shakespeare’s complete works that hasn’t already been written.” The point is: “I don’t know can you?” Is the worst joke ever, and for me, on a bad day, they are fighting words.
9 Comments
I hate it when people with shitty jobs take their frustration out on you, as if you forced them to work there. Just suck it up and be civil! I can say that because I worked as a barista in college, and if I can put up with a bunch of whiny assholes and their half-caf no-foam bullshit without resorting to violence or bad jokes, then so can everyone else.
PS- I would pay money to see you get in a fight. My bet would be on coffee guy though, he clearly has some unresolved rage issues.
As a former barista, bartender, and all around human being, I just pick my battles. I don’t care how you ask for your coffee or booze, just don’t follow it up with a 20-minute conversation about medical history of your pets. Nothing kills a buzz like feline AIDS.
Is that true? Because if it is, next time I’ve been drinking at a party and need to drive home, I’m going to take some feline AIDS.
That’s when you just turn and walk out of the place. They’ve just lost your $5.00, man!
i love you michael showalter. not in a creepy way, but in a you’re a funny human, you make me smile, kind of way. so, thanks for that.
Worst joke? Perhaps. Best backstory? You betcha!
I like the fact that your favorite coffee shop is called “The Flying Saucer”. That was my favorite amusement park ride at Playland Park. It also is what I think I saw in Baraboo, Wisconsin one hot August night on the way back from finding a small grey pearl in a clam at a shop near The Dells.
Neither of my statements are in the least bit interesting.
It’s the fact that you took the time to illustrate it that really makes it pay off.
I’m pretty certain that the coffee shop featured in the generic coffee shop photo is Esselon Cafe located near Northampton, MA. This is my favorite coffee shop and the baristas are surly, but it in a distracted, veiled way, not this anger funneled into bad joke way. My point is this: I recognize that place in that photo. Next time you roll through Northampton, you can go there with that photo, match it up, shout, “SAME” and immediately leave. This will drum up interest and provide a colorful story that people will share with other people. I’m taking my website address off of this post.