Ten Things To Do To Impress a Lady on a Date

1. When the check comes, offer to pay the bill, take out your library card, give it to the waiter, and say, “This should just about cover it.” When the waiter brings the card back and says that it’s not a valid form of payment, apologize to him and your date, take out your Barnes & Noble discount card, give it to the waiter, say, “This oughta do the trick.” Then resume conversation with your date. When he returns again, act frustrated and ask your date if she has a valid form of payment and be very apologetic about it. She will see that you read books and will be very turned-on.

2. If you don’t want to do the library card gambit then say, “I believe in Women’s Lib and insist that we go Dutch.” After the meal, when the check comes, take out a calculator (or pen/pencil) and figure out exactly what each of you owe. Add 10% for a tip. When she says that 10% is a shitty tip, tell her that you don’t believe in tipping. She will see that you are opinionated and passionate about things.

3. When you and your date sit down to eat, briskly take the menu away from her and insist on ordering for both of you. Say, “If you don’t mind, I’ll just order for the two of us. I’m good at this. I’m a foodie.” Order the thing on the menu that you’re most certain she won’t like. Order yourself a hamburger.

4. Or, if you don’t want to do that, then order something for her and nothing for yourself. Tell her that you’re vegan and on a diet. Women love men who aren’t into eating meat or food in general. It’s very sexy and masculine to them.

3. Excuse yourself at some point and say, “Will you pardon me for a sec? I gotta take a big ol’ dump.” (don’t leave out the “ol’” that’s key. If you don’t say, “ol’” it will seem crass. By putting the “ol”’ in it’s kinda cute.) Take a long time in the bathroom. When you return, say something like, “I just lost 30 lbs. in there!” She will find this charming and endearing.

4. When the food comes, place the napkin in your shirt like a bib. Be sure to get tons of food on it to indicate its effectiveness. Once or twice during the meal also use the napkin to blow your nose. Be certain to really dig the napkin into your nostril. She will be very impressed by this.

5. During the meal: Talk only about yourself; Brag about your achievements; Rag on people more successful than you; Come across as bitter and resentful of others; Don’t ask her questions. If you’re depressed, tell her. Tell her about all of your insecurities. Confess to all of your shortcomings – particularly as they relate to sex. If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled in your life, tell her about this. When she begins talking, interrupt her and change the subject.

6. When her meal arrives, touch her food to make sure it’s the right temperature. Do this with her water as well. Make sure it’s cold. Don’t be shy. Use your whole hand.

7. Insist on not ordering dessert. Tell her that you think ordering dessert is bullshit and phony. Tell her that you “absolutely hate” ordering dessert. She will be very intrigued by this. She will find you to be extremely uncomprising and strong.

8. After the meal, insist on not walking her home. Tell her that you “don’t believe” in walking a girl home. Tell her that you believe that “chivalry is dead” and that you’re a “modern man.” She will be blown away by this and she will think that you are extrememely progressive and cool.

9. Try to leave a little bit before her. Tell her that you have “somewhere else to be.”

10. Finally, grab a very big handful of mints on your way out and stuff them in your pocket. Tell her, “You never know when these will come in handy.” She will find this to be very smart and pragmatic thinking.

74 Comments

  • Zane
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 5:28 pm

    Where were you when I was dating?
    I can’t think of a more fun way to spend an evening.
    If only…

  • Posted June 7, 2007 at 5:41 pm

    what, no grabbing the boobs as a form of a handshake? girls love that!

  • Sarah Ricard
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    You forgot: “11. Brag about your internet porn addiction. Make sure to name your favorite sites, such as ‘ChickenHawks.net’ and ‘BiBiLove.com.’ Don’t forget to mention how it’s ruining your ability to do anything productive and how your mom is threatening to kick you out if you don’t clean up that ‘dang spunk wall of yours!’ She’ll be impressed that you’re so internet-savvy, and that despite your Asian fetish, you’ve agreed to go on a date with her anyway.”

  • Posted June 7, 2007 at 5:51 pm

    i’m pretty sure that number nine was the best…

  • Posted June 7, 2007 at 5:52 pm

    Are you sure this isn’t the “how to not get laid at the end of a date” list?

  • jourdan
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 5:54 pm

    fuck what Greg Beherendt and his crappy book “he’s just not that into you” has to say. you have just proven that all of thes actions are thoughtful and filled with passion. im a gay woman and i am pretty sure that if i had an encounter of this caliber while out on a date with a man oral sex would be a guarantee… unless of course not all ten rules were fallowed…in which case a hand job would be the only thing offered up.

  • Posted June 7, 2007 at 6:24 pm

    Being so bold to include #3 twice in top 10 lists is another impressive trait.

  • neil
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 6:55 pm

    what about offering to sell her some weed?

  • Kaet
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 7:14 pm

    oh sarah ricard, you and your love for the gritty. mickey would be proud.

    as for the michael, if I could give kudos, I’ve give you three.

  • Posted June 7, 2007 at 7:15 pm

    Wait…#6….have you been dating Michael Ian Black?! *gasps*

    Bad Michael Showalter!

  • Ben
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 7:21 pm

    Brilliant! Not as exciting as unfinished suduko puzzles but very funny none the less.

    Is it okay to substitute “big ol’ pee” in place of dump or would that ruin things?

  • macaca
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 7:32 pm

    this is funny and everything, but its not very original.

  • Posted June 7, 2007 at 7:50 pm

    You may want to offer to murder for her. This shows loyalty.

  • camille
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 9:02 pm

    I really had a great time on our date, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t reveal the details to the general public. I thought it was very endearing when you clenched your cheeks and tiptoed to the potty.

  • Posted June 7, 2007 at 10:18 pm

    11. Solve Sudoku puzzles the over the course of the entire dinner date, then have her check your work. She will be impressed by your dedication and logic skills… And humility by having her check your work. Then autograph it, offer it to her, and she’ll flip for the bill for sure.

  • Posted June 7, 2007 at 10:26 pm

    You also forgot the genuinely endearing act of full on staring at her wide-eyed all night and never saying a word. She will inevitably ask you what you’re staring at and try engaging you in conversation, but remain strong and stoic, burning into her with your eyes. Chicks dig brooding starers.

  • Matt
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 10:38 pm

    There are 12 things in this top 10 list. I guess you couldn’t have a perfect evening without those other 2 though. Brilliant work!

  • Jemma.
    Posted June 7, 2007 at 10:53 pm

    #3, #4, #3, #4…?

  • Renee
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 12:00 am

    Don’t even THINK about digging around in your ear for wax unless you intend to sniff it after. Women love men with a sexy “fearless follow-through” streak.

  • Ivy
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 1:28 am

    Is it bad that I’ve had a date use 5 out of 9 of these on me?

  • poopy
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 1:31 am

    wow. good luck with that

  • Liz
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 1:34 am

    Oh. I get it. You’re just fighting those ladies off with a stick aren’t ya

  • Posted June 8, 2007 at 7:35 am

    Sweetie, have you been having some bad dates lately??? I am looking a little deeper into your blog.

    My thoughts:
    I think it is very impressive when a man reveals he suffers from many different diseases, particularly gastrointestinal afflictions, while on a date. Those things kind of break the ice. Guys should also reveal any sign of swamp ass. That will usually get us ladies all revved up. It also lets us know that a guy is really into hygiene. Picking your teeth is also a welcomed form of hygienic flattery. The spitting of food with laughter is great too. Let’s us know you are the sharing type. You are so sure to score that night.

  • Posted June 8, 2007 at 10:16 am

    This sentence made me laugh so hard …. “She will be blown away by this and she will think that you are extremely progressive and cool.”

    I’m so glad you’ve returned to the blogosphere.

  • Felicia
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 11:21 am

    a big ol’dump would do me good right about now…

  • Kate
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 2:31 pm

    You had me at “Let’s go Dutch.”

  • Frodo's Lair
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 4:31 pm

    What, no vomit? That’s the only sure-fire way to get a second date.

  • Posted June 8, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    i love the numbering on your list…

  • Posted June 8, 2007 at 5:15 pm

    You won me over!

  • Posted June 9, 2007 at 2:20 am

    I think I love you.

  • Lisa Zachary
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 5:56 am

    If I knew how to link stuff, I would link my comment that I already left on your myspace blog.

    I don’t know how to.

    I adore you to bits.

  • Lisa Zachary
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 5:59 am

    oh and macaca… kind of a hater.

  • Talia
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 6:50 am

    Sooo…. how YOU doin’?

  • Alex
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 8:47 am

    he forgot 2 say u should point out what parts of her body are not in proportion, this will show her ur perceptive

  • Auphi
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 12:24 pm

    Mechele said: “Are you sure this isn’t the “how to not get laid at the end of a date” list?”

    Wait a second… you’re right! Nice catch!

  • Picoleuse
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 7:05 pm

    Also show up really drunk and say that you are a good drunk driver. Shows how much of a risk taker you are.

  • Posted June 10, 2007 at 6:26 am

    11. tell her that you’re going back to your room in the best mental hospital in the city .. she’s gonna be so impressed by that ..

  • missy
    Posted June 10, 2007 at 12:14 pm

    This has to be the worst advise – I would have ended my date and took a cab home.

  • Posted June 10, 2007 at 7:11 pm

    who the heck have you been dating in the past????? :))) I am a girl and no one suited for me….am I weird? :? (well, probably ^___^)

  • I-do-stuff
    Posted June 10, 2007 at 9:33 pm

    umm- I actually liked #1… that could work on me if he was really hot (he would already be funny ;)). And I myself have a mint obsession so I like #10 as well.

    So- take those two out because they don’t fit :(.

  • D.Shah.
    Posted June 10, 2007 at 11:41 pm

    Love it. What the hell, should have referred to this site before blowin so much money on my ex. It would have been short lived. Ah. lol.

  • Michael
    Posted June 11, 2007 at 1:26 am

    hmm…. I tried #3, but then she just left me… :(

  • James
    Posted June 11, 2007 at 2:29 am

    Hey Michael, which #3? Lol.

  • Posted June 11, 2007 at 7:19 pm

    Going to see you in Albany in a few weeks. I can’t wait. I’ve been a fan for a long time.

    But one question.. How did you get Michael Ian Black?? I mean, Mike Showalter playing Albany, I understand that. Big deal. But MICHAEL IAN BLACK?? He’s like a real star!!

    [/sarcasm]

  • Posted June 12, 2007 at 11:36 pm

    I’ve been on some bad dates. This list would maybe be less painful if young men /didn’t/ describe what gnarly things happened in the bathroom while I was stuck back at the table.

    I went on a terrible first date a number of years ago:

    “My ex-girlfriend calls this place ‘Cult Vegetarian.’ I forget what it’s really called. But look around. See? It’s definitely owned by some weird cult.”

    “Wow! Did you know I briefly, accidentally joined a cult?”

    “I didn’t!”

    “Yeah, I did, though. I noticed it was a cult, eventually.”

    “…”

    “…”

    Anyway, and yes. We dated for like two years after that. The problem is, no one knows a ‘dealbreaker’ when they see one, I guess.

  • Posted June 13, 2007 at 6:36 am

    There are 12 points made in this top ten list.

  • Steven
    Posted June 13, 2007 at 5:21 pm

    Girls also like it when you ask about their exboyfriends and then sympathize with them. For example: her saying “Justin always went out with his friends, and never included me”, and you respond with, “I sympathize with Justin, and I’m glad I asked you about him because now I want to be his friend. We should invite him on our next date, whenever or whereever that will be.”

  • Kep
    Posted June 30, 2007 at 7:46 pm

    Buy her a drink then without saying a word, walk over to her and take it away. This will make her approach you.

    I’ve done this, it works.

  • abby
    Posted July 11, 2007 at 2:38 am

    dude you should totally do a skit of this on your show

  • Posted July 12, 2007 at 3:24 pm

    What about telling her that you’ve finally mastered your vaginal fisting technique? That would impress any lady I know.

  • Posted July 28, 2007 at 10:05 am

    This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title s Blog : Ten Things To Do To Impress A Lady On A Date. Thanks for informative article

  • brian
    Posted July 31, 2007 at 2:05 pm

    mr. showalter, please write a book.

  • Posted August 1, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    I have to say, that I could not agree with you in 100% regarding s Blog : Ten Things To Do To Impress A Lady On A Date, but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong :)

  • Gaby
    Posted August 5, 2007 at 5:34 pm

    I want to go on a date with you.

  • alexa
    Posted August 13, 2007 at 1:16 am

    That was my favorite top ten list ever that featured 12 points.

  • Creeper
    Posted August 26, 2007 at 6:05 pm

    I love you.

  • jamie
    Posted September 5, 2007 at 9:51 am

    gosh, these all sound so familiar. did we go out at some point?

  • Colin
    Posted September 8, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    Everyone here can cry about how bad this is but i think its so funny i almost had a big ol crap in my pants laughing at it… two thumbs up!!

  • Nicole
    Posted October 30, 2007 at 4:51 pm

    You’re a very twisted person. I like it.

  • Posted November 5, 2007 at 4:46 am

    If Michael Showalter And I Went On A Date – A Response:

    1. Yes, I would be impressed, as I am perpetually horrified by how few people actually read and I like taking others out to dinner (and paying).

    2. Negated by above payment arrangements. The tipping comment would receive a disapproving glare.

    3. As the world’s pickiest eater (and rather sensitive about it), I would basically punch you in the face. And eat your hamburger.

    4. Saves me money. Although I may become concerned about the possibility of an eating disorder, which I would test by ordering an extravagant dessert and talking a lot about ‘binging’.

    3. See above

    4. This would not phase me in the slightest. It would be a little bit punk rock.

    5. I would be outrageously impressed by and interested in a person I hardly knew telling me about all of their personal shortcomings. Until the hamburger incident, of course. Then I would post it all on the internet in a blog I would call ‘Michael Showalter Is A Total Dick’.

    6. Would not bother me, provided it preceded the “big ol’ dump”.

    7. This is an obvious attempt to further mask a severe eating disorder. At that point I would begin secretly text messaging friends asking for hotline numbers I could pass along.

    8. Off to purge, Michael? Really, this is getting out of hand.

    9. The dessert trick worked. This isn’t a healthy way to live, you know.

    10. Handy for removing the stink of vomit from your breath. Mike please, you know we all really care about you. We only want what’s best for you. You need to love YOURSELF as much as we love you.

    And by ‘we’, I mean me. Fatty.

  • Posted December 19, 2007 at 6:49 pm

    “6. When her meal arrives, touch her food to make sure it’s the right temperature. Do this with her water as well. Make sure it’s cold. Don’t be shy. Use your whole hand.”

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

  • Posted December 27, 2007 at 10:24 am

    Nice!

  • Lindsay
    Posted March 30, 2008 at 5:29 am

    I love #1. I would marry someone if they did that!

  • Posted March 30, 2008 at 6:17 am

    Wow. I really think this is a bunch of douchebaggery.

    Basically a compilation of things NOT to do.

    GG

  • Jason
    Posted March 30, 2008 at 10:15 am

    I am seriously shocked some people don’t know this is a joke!
    Number 9 was my fave !

  • Kai
    Posted March 30, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    It makes me laugh to no end that there are some people who have failed to realize that this list is sarcastic.

  • Another Idiot
    Posted April 1, 2008 at 8:55 am

    LOL @ the idiots who keep saying this is terrible advice. Dumbasses this is not a real list it’s a joke, it’s sarcastic humor.

  • Giovanni
    Posted July 30, 2008 at 2:15 am

    U actually mean,if I carry all these 10 lists,am gonna have a little booty 4 d day.

  • Fuoco
    Posted November 14, 2008 at 8:34 pm

    Wow, these are the worst pieces of advice I’ve ever heard for a date.

  • eugene
    Posted November 25, 2008 at 8:20 am

    Ah it was great man.I love it.

  • Steph
    Posted March 3, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Or if you’re anything like michael black you could just skip the salad and go ahead and rape her.

  • Posted October 12, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    (I was kidding of course)… this is hilarious.

  • Posted November 5, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    my most recent date played out pretty close to steps one through nine… really wish he would have picked up on ten because my upchuck reflexs was hurting for some relief…

  • paul
    Posted July 30, 2010 at 11:30 am

    I think it’s important to really give your crutch a good scratch and then offer your date your hand to shake – it will go down if you haven’t washed for a while and there’s a good sweaty scent on your hand for her to savour.

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