Ten Things To Do To Impress a Lady on a Date

1. When the check comes, offer to pay the bill, take out your library card, give it to the waiter, and say, “This should just about cover it.” When the waiter brings the card back and says that it’s not a valid form of payment, apologize to him and your date, take out your Barnes & Noble discount card, give it to the waiter, say, “This oughta do the trick.” Then resume conversation with your date. When he returns again, act frustrated and ask your date if she has a valid form of payment and be very apologetic about it. She will see that you read books and will be very turned-on.

2. If you don’t want to do the library card gambit then say, “I believe in Women’s Lib and insist that we go Dutch.” After the meal, when the check comes, take out a calculator (or pen/pencil) and figure out exactly what each of you owe. Add 10% for a tip. When she says that 10% is a shitty tip, tell her that you don’t believe in tipping. She will see that you are opinionated and passionate about things.

3. When you and your date sit down to eat, briskly take the menu away from her and insist on ordering for both of you. Say, “If you don’t mind, I’ll just order for the two of us. I’m good at this. I’m a foodie.” Order the thing on the menu that you’re most certain she won’t like. Order yourself a hamburger.

4. Or, if you don’t want to do that, then order something for her and nothing for yourself. Tell her that you’re vegan and on a diet. Women love men who aren’t into eating meat or food in general. It’s very sexy and masculine to them.

3. Excuse yourself at some point and say, “Will you pardon me for a sec? I gotta take a big ol’ dump.” (don’t leave out the “ol’” that’s key. If you don’t say, “ol’” it will seem crass. By putting the “ol”’ in it’s kinda cute.) Take a long time in the bathroom. When you return, say something like, “I just lost 30 lbs. in there!” She will find this charming and endearing.

4. When the food comes, place the napkin in your shirt like a bib. Be sure to get tons of food on it to indicate its effectiveness. Once or twice during the meal also use the napkin to blow your nose. Be certain to really dig the napkin into your nostril. She will be very impressed by this.

5. During the meal: Talk only about yourself; Brag about your achievements; Rag on people more successful than you; Come across as bitter and resentful of others; Don’t ask her questions. If you’re depressed, tell her. Tell her about all of your insecurities. Confess to all of your shortcomings – particularly as they relate to sex. If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled in your life, tell her about this. When she begins talking, interrupt her and change the subject.

6. When her meal arrives, touch her food to make sure it’s the right temperature. Do this with her water as well. Make sure it’s cold. Don’t be shy. Use your whole hand.

7. Insist on not ordering dessert. Tell her that you think ordering dessert is bullshit and phony. Tell her that you “absolutely hate” ordering dessert. She will be very intrigued by this. She will find you to be extremely uncomprising and strong.

8. After the meal, insist on not walking her home. Tell her that you “don’t believe” in walking a girl home. Tell her that you believe that “chivalry is dead” and that you’re a “modern man.” She will be blown away by this and she will think that you are extrememely progressive and cool.

9. Try to leave a little bit before her. Tell her that you have “somewhere else to be.”

10. Finally, grab a very big handful of mints on your way out and stuff them in your pocket. Tell her, “You never know when these will come in handy.” She will find this to be very smart and pragmatic thinking.

74 comments

  1. This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title s Blog : Ten Things To Do To Impress A Lady On A Date. Thanks for informative article

  2. mr. showalter, please write a book.

  3. I have to say, that I could not agree with you in 100% regarding s Blog : Ten Things To Do To Impress A Lady On A Date, but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong :)

  4. I want to go on a date with you.

  5. That was my favorite top ten list ever that featured 12 points.

  6. I love you.

  7. gosh, these all sound so familiar. did we go out at some point?

  8. Everyone here can cry about how bad this is but i think its so funny i almost had a big ol crap in my pants laughing at it… two thumbs up!!

  9. You’re a very twisted person. I like it.

  10. If Michael Showalter And I Went On A Date – A Response:

    1. Yes, I would be impressed, as I am perpetually horrified by how few people actually read and I like taking others out to dinner (and paying).

    2. Negated by above payment arrangements. The tipping comment would receive a disapproving glare.

    3. As the world’s pickiest eater (and rather sensitive about it), I would basically punch you in the face. And eat your hamburger.

    4. Saves me money. Although I may become concerned about the possibility of an eating disorder, which I would test by ordering an extravagant dessert and talking a lot about ‘binging’.

    3. See above

    4. This would not phase me in the slightest. It would be a little bit punk rock.

    5. I would be outrageously impressed by and interested in a person I hardly knew telling me about all of their personal shortcomings. Until the hamburger incident, of course. Then I would post it all on the internet in a blog I would call ‘Michael Showalter Is A Total Dick’.

    6. Would not bother me, provided it preceded the “big ol’ dump”.

    7. This is an obvious attempt to further mask a severe eating disorder. At that point I would begin secretly text messaging friends asking for hotline numbers I could pass along.

    8. Off to purge, Michael? Really, this is getting out of hand.

    9. The dessert trick worked. This isn’t a healthy way to live, you know.

    10. Handy for removing the stink of vomit from your breath. Mike please, you know we all really care about you. We only want what’s best for you. You need to love YOURSELF as much as we love you.

    And by ‘we’, I mean me. Fatty.

  11. “6. When her meal arrives, touch her food to make sure it’s the right temperature. Do this with her water as well. Make sure it’s cold. Don’t be shy. Use your whole hand.”

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

  12. I love #1. I would marry someone if they did that!

  13. Wow. I really think this is a bunch of douchebaggery.

    Basically a compilation of things NOT to do.

    GG

  14. I am seriously shocked some people don’t know this is a joke!
    Number 9 was my fave !

  15. It makes me laugh to no end that there are some people who have failed to realize that this list is sarcastic.

  16. Another Idiot

    LOL @ the idiots who keep saying this is terrible advice. Dumbasses this is not a real list it’s a joke, it’s sarcastic humor.

  17. U actually mean,if I carry all these 10 lists,am gonna have a little booty 4 d day.

  18. Wow, these are the worst pieces of advice I’ve ever heard for a date.

  19. Ah it was great man.I love it.

  20. Or if you’re anything like michael black you could just skip the salad and go ahead and rape her.

  21. (I was kidding of course)… this is hilarious.

  22. my most recent date played out pretty close to steps one through nine… really wish he would have picked up on ten because my upchuck reflexs was hurting for some relief…

  23. I think it’s important to really give your crutch a good scratch and then offer your date your hand to shake – it will go down if you haven’t washed for a while and there’s a good sweaty scent on your hand for her to savour.

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