Thanksgiving Recipes

Michael’s Thanksgiving Recipes
PUNKIN PIE

This is pumpkin pie but pronounced in a funny way. The “mp” is replaced with a “n” to give it a “Down Home” feel. Check any recipe book for directions.

MASHED POTATOES

Buy a pound of potatoes.
Boil them.
Put them in a bowl and mashed them up.
Add salt and butter.

GREEN BEANS

Go to any supermarket frozen food section.
Buy a bag of frozen green beans.
Go home. Take out a frying pan. Put the frozen green beans in the pan.
Heat until hot. Add salt and pepper and butter. Serve.

LOAF OF BREAD

Go to a deli and buy a loaf of French bread.
Heat it up.
Serve it.

GRAVY

Go to your local deli or supermarket. Ask the guy where the canned gravy is. Go get the gravy. Buy it. Go home. Open the canned gravy with a can opener. Put the gravy in a sauce pan. Heat it. Put in a bowl. Put a serving spoon in the bowl. (Maybe buy two cans just in case people are really loving it.)

STUFFING

Chicken stock/Butter/Onions/Celery/Sage/Thyme/Parsely/Bread/Nutmeg/Raw egg/Butter/Apples. Chop it all up. Put it in a pan. Test it out at certain intervals. Improvise by adding a little more chicken stock. Keep baking it. Serve it. Recieve compliments. Feel good about yourself. Gloat about how great you are.

HOT APPLE CIDER

Buy farm suitable for growing apples. Preferably a pre-existing orchard that is up for sale.
Harvest apples. Process them. This may require a processing plant. Bottle and mass produce the cider. Save one jug for yourself. Pour into sauce pan. Heat. Add cinnamon stick and cloves for extra zing.

PECAN PIE

Go to dessert shop and purchase a box of pecan pie. Ask for their best one. This will make them like you because you are interacting with them. Take it home. Take it out of the box. Cut out a slice to make sure it’s good. Cut out another slice to double check. Eat one piece before bed tonight. Eat another piece after that. Eat a piece for breakfast tomorrow morning. Take remaining pieces, wrap in plastic, hide in fridge for a later date. Having now finished the pie, take tin and throw out.

TERDUCKENURGEDOGAGE

Ingredients

1 Turkey (12 lbs.)
1 Duck (5 lbs.)
1 Chicken (4 lbs.)
1 Hamburger meat (1/4 lbs.)
1 Hot Dog
1 Sausage Link

Directions

Stuff the hot dog in the chicken’s butt. Stuff the chicken up the duck’s butt. Stuff the duck with the chicken up its butt up the turkey’s butt. Stuff the turkey’s mouth with hamburger meat. Stuff the sausage up your own butt. Let simmer.

24 comments

  1. That was really random.

  2. Wow, you really MUST publish a recipe book. These are to die for. Literally…

  3. so i tried your “TERDUCKENURGEDOGAGE”

    i was so extremely taken by the deliciousness of this dish that i called the nearest food critic and had him over right away to try it. he loved all of it (other then the part where i attempted to shove the sausage up his butt while he bent over to pick up some trash) and told me that if i hadn’t (as he so foolishly put it) “raped him with the meal” he would have made me millions.

    so thanks for nothing mr.showalter
    thanks for nothing

    p.s.
    you are amazing and i still will proudly claim that i have every intention of marrying you one day..although you are some 11 years older then me. yeah, i can dream.

  4. Dear Michael-

    I love your blog and I also love your sense of humor and I also love this recipe guide and I also love Thanksgiving and other things and stuff in general.

    But I’ve got a real problem on my hands :(
    I don’t see a recipe for yams!?!??!!!

    BRB

    Okay, I’m back.

    I’ve got a crapton of people coming over in 3 minutes and I NEED those yams!!!

    Please post a yam recipe and help me make this meal one to remember!

    Sincerely-
    P lease O ffer O riginal P reparation (of) Y ams

  5. I watched the Showalter Showalter just now. Fantastic job, sir. And tell Zach he was being a bitch for not paying back the gas money.

  6. Absolutely hilarious — as always — Mike.

  7. I didn’t realize I was saying “punkin pie” incorrectly. Now I’m going to have to rename my cat and change my car plates. I feel like such a moron.
    (oh, and try adding bacon and onion slices to the beans…..YUMMO!((or is that “Yumo”?))

  8. I always said plumpkin pie because I am from asia

  9. I can see this whole recipe on stained and faded index cards.

  10. I really like the pecan pie idea. Boy I’m getting hungry!!

  11. This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title s Blog : Thanksgiving Recipes. Thanks for informative article

  12. Good story. Impressive. Good site !

  13. Thanks !!! ;)
    I have found here much useful information.

  14. Hi people, it is Thanksgiving Day! I’m happy with my extra day off, and I am planning to make something fun that’ll probably involve a moto trip and seeing something new in Bethpage I haven’t seen yet.
    You write something new at Thanksgiving?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>