Thursday, December 21, 2006

Top Ten Reasons Why I Haven’t Blogged In A While
(In no particular order)

1. SLOTH

Not the slow moving Amazonian beast. Though, if I had a sloth or were for some reason needing to deal with a sloth on a regular basis that would probably be a good justification as well. I would imagine that dealing with a sloth is major undertaking. I, of course, mean “Sloth” in the sense of being lazy, resting on laurels, and the like. Another word for this might be “Proscrastination.” Herego, I might have called this reason “Procrastination.”

2. TIME

Having been on tour I was rarely in one place long enough to actually compose a blog. Sadly, they don’t have wireless internet at casinos otherwise I’d have written thousands of lengthy blogs. “Blog” has been on my “To Do” list and having just completed “Do Laundry” and “Pay Bills” I am ready to check off “Blog.” After “Blog” I have “Buy ‘07 Filofax Inserts” and “Return David Wain’s Projector.”

3. COMPUTER ERROR

I wrote a really long blog about this girl that I had asked to my 7th grade prom and I was really excited about it and I lost it. Somehow it made its way into my “Trash” and got erased and I felt very deflated and moribund. Moreover, I have no idea what “moribund” means but I’m too lazy to look it up (See: 1. SLOTH). That having been said, I’m quite certain that “moribund” means “deflated” and if it doesn’t then it should. As such, I felt like I had pushed a boulder up a hill and it rolled back down the hill and it’s taken me a while to get my wits back about me.

4. GENERAL MALAISE

It’s not that I’m depressed. I’m not depressed at all. It’s just a “general malaise.” Other symptoms of “general malaise” are: clothing strewn all over floor; emails left unanswered; phone calls left unreturned; body left unwashed; teeth left unscrubbed; cigarette becomes primary food of choice; isolation becomes best friend.

5. CREATIVE DISTANCE

Are my personal stories too personal? Maybe I need an angle? Maybe I need to find “threads”? These are some of the questions that I ask myself in my periods of “creative distance.” Was it mean of me to say that Alice stopped growing after 6th grade? And what if it was? She did stop growing after 6th grade. It’s honest reportage. And I say that mainly because I’ve always wanted to use the word “reportage” in a sentence. Should I shorten my stories? Should I lengthen them? Should I play nice? Should I let it rip? How far can I go? Who will be affected and how? Knowing that your parents and sister are reading your blogs is a bizarre plot twist that requires special consideration. How do I navigate this bizarre plot twist? Creative distance helps me gain a new perspective. I use this period of creative of distance to do mind expanding things like going to museums and by going to museums I mean playing poker; and seeing artistic films and by that I also mean playing poker; and reading books and by reading books I mean reading the NY Post sports section.

6. WRITER’S BLOCK

Sometimes I sit at my computer and I will begin to write. The first sentence flies off my fingers and onto the page. It might go something like, “The time I shit in my pants at summer camp.” But then a sort of fear sets in and I am rendered immobile. I am unable to find the second sentence. There are so many potential second sentences and I am incapable of choosing one. Should it be, “I was at the lake and suddenly needed to poo”? Or should it be, “It was 1982 and I was at summer in the Berkshire mountains”? Or should it be, “At age 12 you still take great pride in your ability to control your sphincter muscles”? The choices overwhelm me and I have to take a nap and/or watch TiVo’d episodes of America’s Next Top Model. (Twins got robbed!)

7. MYSPACE DOESN’T HAVE A SAVE OPTION

Sometimes I will start writing a blog and then have to go somewhere and there’s no way to save the darn thing and finish it later. As a result, I have to do the whole thing in one fell swoop. Again, I say that primarily out of a desire to use the idiom “one fell swoop” in a sentence. And I say that primarily out of a desire to use the word “idiom.” All of this being said, Myspace is, in many respects, Byzantine, which, of course, I say primarily to use the word “Byzantine.” What’s my point? That Myspace should have a “Save Blog” button? Perhaps. But not like “Save the Whales.” Blogs are anything but endangered. By all accounts “Blogs” are thriving. God forbid that suddenly there’s a Internet shortage and all the blogs die.

8. COYNESS

This one is self-explanatory. I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t read all the comments requesting blogs. Does it make me feel good? Yes. Does it inflate my ego? Of course. I’m playing coy.

9. KARPEL-TUNNEL SYNDROME

I don’t have it but I’m afraid I could get it if I don’t blog less. Moreover, I never want to have to wear those wrist braces. They get dirty and brown. If I ever get Karpel-Tunnel Syndrome I’m going to get black wrist braces so no one can tell that they’re dirty. I hate dirt on my clothing. I carry Tide spot remover with me where ever I go for this reason. If I’ve offended anyone with Karpel-Tunnel Syndrome I don’t mean to. My sincerest apolog. (I left off the “ies” because I feared that typing extra letters might give me Karpel-Tunnel Syndrome and I’m trying to find places where I can be economical with my letters.)

10. I NEEDED A BREAK

I needed a break from reliving all of these painful experiences. Being dumped after 3 days has left permanent emotional scar tissue. Reliving the experience of how stupid I looked riding no handed on a ten speed bicycle has left emotional scar tissue. Get my ass kicked by college lacrosse players has left scar tissue. Telling you in this blog that I shit in my pants when I was at camp has left scar tissue. I needed to get some strength back in order to relive these painful memories.

In future blogs I will tell you how I shit in my pants and I will also tell you about the girl I asked to my 7th grade prom.

Sorry for the delay.
I hope everyone is having a Happy Holiday.
Sincerely,
Michael