New Year’s Eve Resolution

On New Year’s Eve 2005 I made a resolution to be “less cut” in 2006 than I was in 2005. By “less cut” I meant “less Adonis-like in appearance” or “less replete with Bowflex model-esque muscularature” To date, I have succeeded in this pursuit. I can tell you with certainty that I am, in fact, less cut this year than I have been in year’s past. My abs are not rippling. Unless you consider pot-belly pigs to have rippling abs. Quite the opposite, my abs tell the story of many sandwiches, bowls of soup, cookies with milk, and the like. My arms have no muscle that I’m aware of, and are not capable of lifting anything other than a coffee mug to my mouth. If there was a war and I was required to fight, I’d have to join the the Army Debate Squad if I was to be of any real value to my country because I am incapable of physical exertion of any variety. My legs are spindly and weak and get tired from A) Climbing stairs; B) Walking to the subway; C) Getting up from chair. They, my legs, remind one of dowels draped in cloth. My pecks simply do not exist. I have no upper body strength what-so-ever. Mission accomplished. My chest more resembles a common table top than anything else. My back is strong, but only in the way that paper-mache is strong. My back is capable of many things, including: 1) Being sore; 2) Being thrown out; 3) Being rubbed; 4) Needing to be rested. My calves exist, but only in the abstract. Post-Modernist visual artists would have a field day representing my calves in the abstract .

In other words, it’s been a very successful year in terms of New Year’s Resolutions completed. Yay, me!

On New Year’s Eve 2006, I will make a resolution to be “even less cut” in 2007 than I was in 2006. This will mean the consumption of even more cookies with milk, and I will have to increase my sandwich intake by at least 5% if I am to obtain my goal. My abs, hopefully, will continue to decrease in rippling strength and my arms will, if all goes well, atrophy and shrink. In order to prepare for this I have gone to the deli and purchased one loaf of white bread, a half a pound of smoked turkey breast, a quarter pound of swiss cheese, one bag of Dorito’s, one bag of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies, one can of Spaghettios, one quart of milk, one jar of pickles, and a pack of cigarettes.

Wish me luck & Happy New Year One and All!


  1. My husband and I are going to try to quit after this next package is gone. Would you like to join us? I really think the pickle companies are to blame for making them so damned addictive!

  2. I used to have the hots for you but now I’m not so sure. Especially since I was hoping you’d make a romantic last ditch efforts to save me from the gallows and you didn’t. I will not be visiting your pale flabby cock from beyond the grave. No Way!

  3. Thankfully your legs still enable you to walk at a certain clip.

  4. i think i was there when you bought those doritos and expressed that you were very unhappy with the soup selection. had i known you were only requesting provolone in a valient effort to achieve your resolution, i would have saluted you. but i only looked up from wallowing in my own bottomless self-pity, pissed off that i still didn’t have a hot chocolate, and realized i recognized you after you’d already rushed out the door.

  5. Ok that is really quite funny!

  6. Cheerful you children!:-)

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