DAY FIVE AND SIX: BALTIMORE/D.C.
(Sho) I picked up Mac’n’cheese (again, this is my little nickname for Michael Black) up at Grand Central at noon. I was REALLY proud because I was right on time and I packed 8 boxes of Stella DVDs into the rental car all by myself. My secret was that I dropped the boxes out the window of my apartment and just hoped they wouldn’t break. So far so good.
(Black) Jim picked me up at Grand Central Station for the drive to B’More. He was two hours late. On the train ride into the city I watched “The Forty Year Old Virgin” starring Steve Carrell. That dude is SUCH A LOSER!!! Imagine being forty and never dipping your candle. I would be like, “MY NADS ARE GONNA EXPLODE!!!” Needless to say, I thought the movie had a lot of genuine warmth and heart.
(Sho)The drive to Baltimore was pretty smooth sailing. Mac’n’cheese was sleepy so he napped while I drove. Don’t tell him this but I put sneeze powder in his toiletries container while he slept. Tee-hee. Tee-hee-hee. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh. Tee-hee-hee. Heh-heh.
(Black) Jim kept talking while we were driving. I don’t even know what he was talking about: the Mets or some shit and how he’s “kicking so much ass” in his football pool. Before I knew it, I was sound asleep.
(Sho) Otto Bar in Baltimore is a great venue. There’s a small balcony area that hangs over the stage. You feel like you’re performing among the audience. It’s a very intimate vibe. Almost sexual. Like you and the audience are sweaty and slow dancing and your mouths are moving closer together and your tongues are peeking out, twitching, searching for the other tongue. Yeah, it was kinda like that.
Ps. Claire and John from Baltimore made us a great mix CD and we listened to it alot all the way on our drive to Cleveland. Thank you Claire and John. Best Track was number two. The Avalanches: Run DNA.
(Black) If you’re wondering if we ripped Baltimore a new one, we did. The show was good, and afterwards we did what we always do after a show. Go to sleep. (Not with each other) (Also, not with anybody else.)
(Sho) Mac’n’cheese and I drove from Baltimore to D.C. in the morning. Our first stop was to visit my sis, who lives there. She wasn’t home though so we stopped at a Starbucks and played poker for a few hours. We were both feeling somber because a pitcher from the Yankees crashed his airplane into a building back in New York and that reminded of us of the time when two airplanes crashed into the twin towers and all of downtown Manhattan became a giant graveyard. Still, we have priorities so we soldiered on and continued to play cards.
(Black) There was some shit on the radio about something or another. It reminded us of the time Saddam Hussein ordered Al Qaeda to invade America. Thank God we took that Mofo out. The Starbucks in D.C. as AMAZING!!! They had so many beverages to choose from. Showalter ate twenty one orange scones.
Eventually we made it over to my sister’s house and goofed about with my adorable and rambunctious niece and nephew, Evie and Jack. They’re the best. I love being “Crazy Uncle Mike.” I’m like a magical hobo who breezes in every few months and eats sandwiches and lies down on the couch and half naps/half rough houses with them and talks in a funny voice and plays the “Toe Monster” game. “Toe Monster” is a monster who likes to eat toes. I think my Dad invented this game. I guess that would make me Toe Monster Jr. If I ever have a son who plays the Toe Monster game then he will be Toe Monster III. In any event, it was a lovely visit. Michael Black made a horrible impression on my sister and her babysitter Hillary by lighting his farts to entertain the kids. You’d think he’d know better than that considering he’s got two of his own. Then again maybe that’s why his sons bangs are singed.
(Black) Jim’s sister made a pass at me. I didn’t want to say anything to Jim at the time, and I’m even a little embarrassed writing about it now, but it happened like this: after we entered the house, Jim excused himself to go to the bathroom. I told Jim’s sister how lovely I thought her home was. We chit-chatted about that for a couple minutes, and then she said, and this is a quote, “Can I get you anything?” I was too stunned to speak. “Can I get you anything?” I mean, I don’t know if Jim put her up to that or what, but honestly, I just stood there stammering, and finally I said something about a glass of water. I mean, I didn’t know what else to say! The sexual tension was palpable. Thank God Jim came back in the room, because if he hadn’t, I’m pretty sure her shirt would have been off within seconds (Which would have been okay because she was wearing two layers and it was a little stuffy). Her children are adorable and we had a great time visiting.
(Sho) The D.C. show was great. Sold out. Whatever. I was kinda nervous having my older sister and her friends in the audience. I wasn’t sure how she’d react to my photograph of a teenage Smurf masturbating to internet porn but she seemed okay with it. I was also a little worried about doing some of the same material because Eugene Mirman, Leo Allen and I had done a pretty big show there in May and I was doing a bunch of the same stuff. I opened my set by saying, “I need to know how many people were at the last show because I’ve only written two new jokes since May.” Pause. “That was one of them.” Pause. “That was the other one.” It was really brilliant. I’m amazing.
Black’s show was an unmitigated disaster. His “Lampshades Made out of People” bit drew loud raspberries from the crowd. That’s not true. He killed. He was arsome. That’s my funny way of saying – awesome.
(Black) I am really embarrassed because I’m realizing that I’ve been calling Showalter “Jim.” I don’t know how I got that confused, considering we’ve known each other twenty years. His first name is not Jim. So I apologize for that. It’s Mitchell. Mitchell was great. His stuff was very funny, even the thing about the Smurf jerking off to Internet porn, which was incredibly graphic and offensive. I didn’t care, but I could tell the audience was upset. There were two girls in the front who were crying and holding each other during that bit. I think they asked for their money back. It was tough to get the audience back from that (putting it kindly) disaster, but Mitch did a great job of keeping it contained.
(Sho) After the show we hung out a bit in the bar downstairs. For the most part, everyone is really friendly. For instance this one drunk girl came up to me at the bar and I’d like to relay that conversation to you. First she comes up to and stands at least half-an-armslength too close to me causing me to step backwards causing her to step forwards causing me to step backwards again causing her to step forwards and before you know we’re doing the TANGO! I don’t like “close talkers.” I’m very persnickety about my personal space. Anyway here’s the convo as best as I can recall. I don’t know if she was gay or straight but she looked like a butch lesbian.
Girl: So, I hear you’re a comedian, huh?
Girl: Are you funny?
Girl: I heard you did a show upstairs.
Girl: I heard it went all right.
Girl: You seem depressed.
Me: I’m not.
Girl: That’s too bad.
Me: No, it’s not. It’s good that I’m not depressed.
Girl: I’m Sarah.
Me: Hi. Sarah.
Girl: And you are?
Girl: My friends and I are gonna do some blow and explore D.C. Wanna come?
She walks away annoyed. Just another night in our nation’s capitol.
(Black) I did some blow with this chick Sarah and fell asleep around dawn.