Tour Day One.

(Sho) I met Eugene at my house. He brought the projector and screen. He is driving with us to Northampton to see his gf. I was at the nearby coffee shop grabbing lunch. Black pulled up in our car and after loading up the car, we were off.

(Black) I picked up our rental car at Hertz in Fairfield and was a little dubious when the woman handed me the keys to a Hyundai. I asked her if she had any other cars BESIDE a Hyundai. She told me she did not. What about a Camry? She did not have a Camry. I took the Hyundai.

Showalter, annoyingly, asked me to pick him up in Brooklyn, sixty miles South of where I picked up the car, even though we were heading North to NORTHampton.

(Sho) My lunch I got was mac & cheese soup; chicken salad sammich; bag of chips; can of Coke; and, of course, pickle. I would have taken the train to Fairchild to meet Black in Conn but we have Stella DVD boxes and there’s too many to carry on the train. Black is a whiner for not wanting to come to Brooklyn.

(Black) Getting to B’klyn (B-Lynn, Bookline) was not a problem. Leaving Brooklyn was a disaster. It took us two and a half hours after leaving Showalter’s “house” to return to the place where I had started. Traffic was terrible and Michael was singing James Taylor songs at the top of his lungs the entire time. (Not true.) What IS true, though, is that his mac-n-cheese soup smelled like the underside of my scrotum after sleepaway camp.

(Sho) There was traffic (traf-FUCK!) on I-95 all the way from Brooklyn (in the hizzy!) to Springfield, Mass. I-95 Northbound sux dix! We took a long snack stop and hit the golden arches for some snerious snackage. I got two cheese boogers and a small fry (word!)

(Black) I got a #8 (Chicken Selects and a fry). I asked for five Chicken Selects, but I think they recognized me because when I opened my box, there were SEVEN chicken selects!!! That’s how a McDonald’s employee lets you feel the love – by sneaking you extra Chix Selex. To thank them for their generosity, I let them take turns blowing me by the fry cooker. In full disclosure, I also got a McFlurry (Oreo). How did it taste? Ah-May-Zing.

(Sho) We arrived in Northampton around 6:30. Show at 8:30pm. Doors at 7:30pm. When we got to the “venue”, at 7:15pm, there were, like, two people waiting outside to see the show, which kinda bummed us out, ‘cause we were hoping for a little more of a turnout but, as they say, “The show must go on.” That was a long sentence. Typically, Black catastrophized about it and I cheered him up, but then in my alone time, I catastrophized about it and Eugene cheered ME up. I wonder who cheered him up. The good news is that by the time the show started there were over 20 people there!

Michael Ian Black backstage playing internet poker.

(Black) I think whiskey cheered Eugene up. The truth is, we had a very good turnout (“turnout” is also a ballet term for walking like a penguin). I think by the time the show started there were probably 400 people there. Showalter wants me to say there were 423 people there, but he has that “Beautiful Mind” thing where he needs to count to five over and over again. I have to say, the staff at Pearl St. was very good. They came back several times to ask if we needed anything. But we already had bags of pretzels and popcorn, so the answer was no. If there had been no bags of pretzels and popcorn, and somebody had come back to ask if we needed something, I might have said, “Do you have any pretzels or popcorn?” As it was, though, that question was unnecessary because, as I said, there was plenty of pretzels and popcorn. I should clarify a little bit: there was only ONE bag of pretzel and popcorn, but there were only two of us, so it seemed like there was plenty because the truth is, between us, we weren’t going to go through all those pretzels and popcorns. Some of it, yes. But not ALL of it. Maybe you think, “How could they be so wasteful?” but honestly, there’s no way to buy HALF a bag of pretzels and popcorn. There was really no choice for them – they HAD to buy full bags of pretzels and popcorn. They were really in a no-win situation vis a vis the snack foods. Anticipating your next question: I had a few pretzels, no popcorn. Showalter had both pretzels AND popcorn. Eugene, as I said, had whiskey.

This is one of my many photographs of Eugene setting up the projector and screen before the show.

(Eugene) Before the show I had a piece of salad pizza and organized a quick rally to meet chicks. It worked. I almost stopped war! One person can make a difference, probably. Here’s an example — Churchill. Bye, everyone. During the drive up Michael and I decided to call the show we’re doing at Union Hall “Tearing The Veil Of Maya.” See you there gang!

This is a funny picture of Eugene, Michael and I at the hotel. I think we look like three husbands on a camping trip with three women who are childhood friends and we’re just a bunch of dudes who don’t know each other and are trying to be good sports about letting them take a picture. Though Black and Eug holding hands kind of gives that away.

(Sho) Being that I don’t really drink or do drugs I decided to get “fucked up” before every show by smoking a clove cigarette. That’s really smart because I used to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day so this won’t at all make me want to start smoking again after having not smoked for over four years. Not at all. I’m not playing with fire at all in any way. Way to go Sho! Way to revert back to being in high school and trying to get high off of nutmeg and magic markers.

Here’s a shot of Black doing his act. It’s a very Lenny Bruce like backlit shot.

I rate my first performance as a solid C+. I rushed through my material. After not performing on tour for a few months, and this is typical, you forget what you’re doing and, in particular, think that all your jokes aren’t funny. I got through it though. For the most part, I just wanted to get my “sea legs” under me. “Sea legs” is a lumberjacking term, it has nothing to do with the sea or legs.

This morning I wrote a joke about how gang members should use spinach as a weapon. Maybe I’ll use in the show tonight at Lupo’s, Providence.

(Black) I question Showalter’s assertion that “sea legs” is a lumberjacking term. I actually think it’s a seafaring term, referring to the fact that on long sea voyages, sailors often used to eat their own legs to fight scurvy.

I think Showalter is being generous when he rates his own performance as a C+. I thought he was terrible. Just terrible. He rushed through his material.

(Sho) Black’s show was awesome. His act was really tight. Tight like his butt, ‘cause he’s a tightwad.