Dear Blog Readers

I’ve been gone for too long. What is my fucking problem?
Well, for one thing, I have a potty mouth. (As evidenced by my use of the word fuck in the sentence just prior to this sentence.) Although, perusing that last sentence I’m realizing I said “fuck” there too, which means that I didn’t need to say “in the sentence just prior to this sentence”, because, while only a reference, I did in fact use the word fuck in that sentence so I wasted precious space.
But I digress. Now, had I been in a particulary silly mood, which I am not, I might have said, “Butt, I digress.” But that would have been silly, stupid and I’m not in that kind of mood. So, I continue, by saying, Butte I digress. As in, Butte, Idaho. Idaho. That’s a funny word. I’d a ho pay for whoopee if I was particularly hard up for sex.” As in: I would pay a hooker for tang if I was horny.
But really, what am I talking about? That’s always the question.
I’m talking about the fact that I’ve been gone for too long. Truth be told I’ve been over there at myspace www.myspace.com/michaelshowalter blogging like a damn foo. Now, when I say “foo”, I mean “fool.” So anyway, I’ve been over there at www.myspace.com/michaelshowalter blogging like a damn foo and all the while neglecting my own home. It’s like that saying, “Don’t shit where you eat.” Now, truth be told, I often shit where I eat. Especially if where I eat is in an Indian restaurant. Ba-dum-dum! Hey! Thank you Ladies and Germs I’m here all week.
But seriously, folks: I’m back and I’m better than ever! I’m new and improved just like Crest baby! That’s right! I have a new thing which fights plaque and bleaches your teeth and makes tartar into gold and answers your mail for you and runs on vegetables instead of gasolene and can tape four different tv shows simultaneously (Project Runway, Top Chef, Sportscenter, Oprah, eg). I’ll even represent you in court.
For instance: here’s some photos of our summer tour in Seattle.
This is the club CHOP SUEY. My name is on the marquee. That means I’m really fucking great.
seattle1.jpg
That’s Leo putting on a show before the show. Leo’s exotic dance routine will turn any straight man gay, any gay man more gay, any girl into a WOMANseattle2.jpg.
See, even Leo knows it’s hot.
seattle3.jpg

This is a just a taste of what’s to come. In the future I will be blogging about (in no particular order)

- Lance Bass’ homosexuality.
- The nuclear arms race.
- Nicole Ritchie’s skinny legs.
- American foreign policy in the middle east.
- Boobs v. butts.
- Architecture in the pre-Cambrian era
- The No Theatre of Japan.
- Why I love hamburgers.
- Existentialism in the modern American novel.
- Farts
- The history of the Netherlands
- Doody
- Bible imagery

All this and much, much, more. Please stay tuned…

12 Comments

  • Guy at Brown
    Posted September 20, 2006 at 2:58 pm

    Netherlands? Okay, I’m in.

  • Alicia
    Posted September 20, 2006 at 5:15 pm

    Thank God you’re back. We’ve missed you.

  • kaet
    Posted September 20, 2006 at 6:34 pm

    After last night, I really didn’t need to see that.

    Thanks, I really will become a lesbian. Tell Shonali to watch out.

  • Posted September 20, 2006 at 11:25 pm

    I pass by Chop Suey whenever I walk home from work, since I live two blocks up. Today I also passed by a very drunk person, carrying a pizza box from Piecora’s and an unidentifiable beverage in a brown bag. As I stepped out of the way a little, so that he wouldn’t sway into me, he said “Brawrawbrraw CHOP SUEY?” I think it was a question since his voice cracked and went up at the end.

    This post reminded me of that moment.

  • bob f
    Posted September 21, 2006 at 6:11 pm

    Very ambitious and admirable.
    In the interest of time, however, I’m sure you could easily combine Existentialism in the modern American novel, Farts and Bible imagery into the same post.

  • Posted September 21, 2006 at 7:59 pm

    it’s about time you came back. the only time i have for the internet is at work which bans myspace, but grants me access to this site. so don’t stay away for too long. i’d like to not do any real work while i’m on the clock, but instead “surf the web” as people say.

  • mckinleyfagw/ben
    Posted September 21, 2006 at 9:04 pm

    Thanks to whoever wrote the “Wet Hot American Summer” script, I have invented an acronym for internet use. In the vein of lol, jk, omg, etc., say hello to “OFMC”- “Oh, f*ck my c*ck!” I use it all the time now. It will begin a revolution.

  • Posted September 21, 2006 at 11:05 pm

    mckinleyfagw/ben, I – for one – will happily start using OFMC. I always hated lol anyway.

  • Posted September 22, 2006 at 6:21 pm

    This page looks nicer. MySpace makes my eyes bleed.

  • Raccoons
    Posted September 26, 2006 at 3:19 pm

    on the topic of Nicole richie’s skinny legs… have you seen that new Lionel Rictche Video? gah! when the dude lifts her up in the rain, she looks like a rag doll…

    freaka!

  • GILZAID ARROYO
    Posted January 17, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    algien tradusca esto al espaƱol please!!!

  • john
    Posted January 28, 2008 at 3:00 pm

    i am 14. want to have gay sex

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