Sep 06

Tom Green Live

I did the Tom Green Live webcast in July. Here’s what happened.

What’s there to say? Let’s see. Let me start by saying that all of the guys who worked on the show were extremely kind – including Tom Green. I was like a deer stuck in the headlights the whole time. In a sense I’m happy that things devolved the way that they did because I really had nothing that interesting to say. I wish I could be super animated and crazy and on but a lot of times I feel sort of overwhelmed by those situations and feel like “serious guy” which I’m not at all but it’s hard to be funny on cue. It’s a skill and I’m very appreciative of those that do it well. I think it’s something that you get better at. Tom Green has a really nice house up in the Hollywood hills. He’s got a bunch of extremely nice young guys who work for him and help him put his show on. I was driven to the show by one of his guys who told me that some of Tom’s friends had planned a surprise birthday hello during the taping of the show and that Tom didn’t know about it and that I shouldn’t say anything. Sure. That’s fine. The show starts. Tom Green does a bunch of shtick. I’m backstage (which is really just TG’s kitchen) waiting to be called on to the show. I’m reading his autobiography which is actually very interesting and candid. He brings me out. We have banter. It’s awkward. Banter is awkward. There’s some phone calls. “When is the State DVD coming out?” Etc. It’s fine. A big part of me is already thinking, “Why did I agree to do this?” Actually, I know the answer. I thought it was radio or podcast or something and for some reason I’m much more comfortable with that. But we’re talking. TG is being pretty funny.

Then his buddies come in with the birthday cake and the pornstar.
Things change. Quickly. Very quickly.

Pornstars have a certain affect on a room. Especially when the room is comprised entirely of young single men. Let’s just say that the focus shifts towards the pornstar. Especially when the pornstar is…

a) Young.
b) Extremely attractive.
c) Smells like perfume.
e) Scantily clad.
f) Sexually provocative, as evidenced by constant biting of lip, gazing wide-eyed, giggling, fluttering eye lids, etc.
g) Not wearing underwear and making sure this is known to all.
h) A pornstar.
i) There to have sex with Tom Green and everyone knows it.

Suddenly, talking about the Baxter and Stella with me seemed less of a priority: for Tom, for me, for the pornstar, for everybody. Sexual energy could turn any room upside down. Watch the show. You’ll see what I’m talking about. Tom Green and the pornstar proceed to get extremely drunk in front of my face. They are having wierd sexual banter that’s making me uncomfortable and kind of turned on. I mean there’s this 20-something year old porn star sitting next to me on couch with her skirt up so that Tom Green, and by proxy, I can see how much underwear she’s not wearing, and I”m kind of freaking out and wishing I was either dead, or “taking her”. I mean it’s only natural to feel that way. I refuse to pretend that I was immune to her.
It was like some wierd Bret Easton Ellis novel. Los Angeles; house on the hills; fading superstar; young porn actress; video; dudes; lots of alcohol; danger; superficiality; an agent lurking in the shadows. I was trying to do my “I’m from Brooklyn, I’m smart and normal” thing. That doesn’t fly in LA, at Tom Green’s house, with a half-naked drunken pornstar, writhing around on a chair…it was too much.
Tom Green is acting like a cliche crazy person: ranting, raving, putting his tie around his head, screaming at people, cursing, making lewd remarks, eyes bulging out of his head. Was it theater? Was he pretending? I suppose that’s the, would the word be “genius?”, of Tom Green. He’s very committed to his shtick. I liked him. He was funny. Very strange. Not disappointed. I felt like a total geek next to this Goldshlager swilling, tie around his head, pornstar flirting, ranting, raving, Hollywood recluse…
He managed to ask me a few questions about comedy in between bizarre pornstar interludes. I just wanted to hide. What could I do though? I was in the middle of nowhere. Not walking distance. No cabs or anything. In retrospect I should have just gotten up and walked away. Not because I objected or anything. I respect TG. It’s his crazy show. He can do whatever he wants. I should have walked away because it’s what the moment called for. Next time I’m on a show in the Hollywood Hills with a lunatic and pornstar I’ll remember to do that.

Sep 06

Dear Blog Readers

I’ve been gone for too long. What is my fucking problem?
Well, for one thing, I have a potty mouth. (As evidenced by my use of the word fuck in the sentence just prior to this sentence.) Although, perusing that last sentence I’m realizing I said “fuck” there too, which means that I didn’t need to say “in the sentence just prior to this sentence”, because, while only a reference, I did in fact use the word fuck in that sentence so I wasted precious space.
But I digress. Now, had I been in a particulary silly mood, which I am not, I might have said, “Butt, I digress.” But that would have been silly, stupid and I’m not in that kind of mood. So, I continue, by saying, Butte I digress. As in, Butte, Idaho. Idaho. That’s a funny word. I’d a ho pay for whoopee if I was particularly hard up for sex.” As in: I would pay a hooker for tang if I was horny.
But really, what am I talking about? That’s always the question.
I’m talking about the fact that I’ve been gone for too long. Truth be told I’ve been over there at myspace www.myspace.com/michaelshowalter blogging like a damn foo. Now, when I say “foo”, I mean “fool.” So anyway, I’ve been over there at www.myspace.com/michaelshowalter blogging like a damn foo and all the while neglecting my own home. It’s like that saying, “Don’t shit where you eat.” Now, truth be told, I often shit where I eat. Especially if where I eat is in an Indian restaurant. Ba-dum-dum! Hey! Thank you Ladies and Germs I’m here all week.
But seriously, folks: I’m back and I’m better than ever! I’m new and improved just like Crest baby! That’s right! I have a new thing which fights plaque and bleaches your teeth and makes tartar into gold and answers your mail for you and runs on vegetables instead of gasolene and can tape four different tv shows simultaneously (Project Runway, Top Chef, Sportscenter, Oprah, eg). I’ll even represent you in court.
For instance: here’s some photos of our summer tour in Seattle.
This is the club CHOP SUEY. My name is on the marquee. That means I’m really fucking great.
That’s Leo putting on a show before the show. Leo’s exotic dance routine will turn any straight man gay, any gay man more gay, any girl into a WOMANseattle2.jpg.
See, even Leo knows it’s hot.

This is a just a taste of what’s to come. In the future I will be blogging about (in no particular order)

– Lance Bass’ homosexuality.
– The nuclear arms race.
– Nicole Ritchie’s skinny legs.
– American foreign policy in the middle east.
– Boobs v. butts.
– Architecture in the pre-Cambrian era
– The No Theatre of Japan.
– Why I love hamburgers.
– Existentialism in the modern American novel.
– Farts
– The history of the Netherlands
– Doody
– Bible imagery

All this and much, much, more. Please stay tuned…