This year’s fourth of July was great. Just cooked some food (gazpacho, hotdogs/sausages with sauer kraut, hamburgers, corn on the cob, peach crumble.) After eating we went up to the roof to watch the fireworks. Here’s a snapshot.
I like fireworks. I don’t LOVE fireworks. Some people LOVE them. I like them. I think they’re fine. I’ve been watching them for a really long time now. Every year. Truthfully, I’m starting to feel a little bored. I’d rather watch Project Runway. They’re okay. I like them. I don’t LOVE them. If I squint my eyes and look at stop lights I can get the same effect. When they were finishing up I made a joke. Someone said here comes the “finale” and I said “finally the finale.” It was very funny. And though no one laughed I repeated it several times until people laughed out of courtesy.
I have had some bad times on the fourth of July in the past. Several summers ago I was arrested by a sadistic cop in upstate New York. He had a really sweaty neck. I’ve since determined that he was on lots of steroids. If I play out that theory then I can fairly assume he a) has rage issues, b) has a tiny shrunken steroid wiener and testicle combo platter. Here are the two mug shots I had taken at five in the morning at the Ulster County Jail. The guys who processed me were nice enough to give me copies of my pictures.
I wanted to look like I was a real sad sack low life criminal. That’s why I’m making that face.
But then I decided it would be funny if I took one of myself looking happier so I asked them if they’d take another. Here’s what we came up with.
Every year on the fourth of July, during the fireworks. People start singing the Star Spangled Banner. They do this for a variety of reasons. 1) To draw attention to themselves. 2) To be ironic. Of course, we don’t really love our country. We’re liberals. We think America is fucked up and bad at soccer. (Which is unforgivable.) It’s so ironic that we of all people would sing the Star Spangled Banner. 3) To draw attention to ourselves. 4) To show everyone that we know it. Which for some reason means something. I don’t know why or what. But it means that you’re special if you know the words. Fuck that. 5) It gives you something to do because a) the fireworks aren’t that great. b) conversation is awkward and it’s more fun to sing. 6) It gives you an opportunity to show everyone that you’ve got a really good singing voice. Prompting comments like, “Wow, I didn’t know you could sing.” And “Wow. You’ve got a really good singing voice.” And “Hey, you can sing! I didn’t know that.” There’s always the person who needs to sing louder than everyone else to prove that he knows the lyrics EVEN better than you do (and you thought you knew them by heart.) He not only knows the lyrics but he can sing the song in four-part harmony. Fuck him! Push him off the roof! He sings the loudest. He controls the pace. Fuck him! Push him off the roof! He sings the loudest. He makes you do it his way! Fuck him. Push him off the roof. Then you’ll really see some fireworks. And by fireworks I mean a dead guy who’s just been pushed off a roof.