Random Thoughts July 5th

This year’s fourth of July was great. Just cooked some food (gazpacho, hotdogs/sausages with sauer kraut, hamburgers, corn on the cob, peach crumble.) After eating we went up to the roof to watch the fireworks. Here’s a snapshot.

fireworks2.jpg

I like fireworks. I don’t LOVE fireworks. Some people LOVE them. I like them. I think they’re fine. I’ve been watching them for a really long time now. Every year. Truthfully, I’m starting to feel a little bored. I’d rather watch Project Runway. They’re okay. I like them. I don’t LOVE them. If I squint my eyes and look at stop lights I can get the same effect. When they were finishing up I made a joke. Someone said here comes the “finale” and I said “finally the finale.” It was very funny. And though no one laughed I repeated it several times until people laughed out of courtesy.

fireworks.jpg

I have had some bad times on the fourth of July in the past. Several summers ago I was arrested by a sadistic cop in upstate New York. He had a really sweaty neck. I’ve since determined that he was on lots of steroids. If I play out that theory then I can fairly assume he a) has rage issues, b) has a tiny shrunken steroid wiener and testicle combo platter. Here are the two mug shots I had taken at five in the morning at the Ulster County Jail. The guys who processed me were nice enough to give me copies of my pictures.

Sadmug.jpg

I wanted to look like I was a real sad sack low life criminal. That’s why I’m making that face.
But then I decided it would be funny if I took one of myself looking happier so I asked them if they’d take another. Here’s what we came up with.

HappyMug.jpg

Every year on the fourth of July, during the fireworks. People start singing the Star Spangled Banner. They do this for a variety of reasons. 1) To draw attention to themselves. 2) To be ironic. Of course, we don’t really love our country. We’re liberals. We think America is fucked up and bad at soccer. (Which is unforgivable.) It’s so ironic that we of all people would sing the Star Spangled Banner. 3) To draw attention to ourselves. 4) To show everyone that we know it. Which for some reason means something. I don’t know why or what. But it means that you’re special if you know the words. Fuck that. 5) It gives you something to do because a) the fireworks aren’t that great. b) conversation is awkward and it’s more fun to sing. 6) It gives you an opportunity to show everyone that you’ve got a really good singing voice. Prompting comments like, “Wow, I didn’t know you could sing.” And “Wow. You’ve got a really good singing voice.” And “Hey, you can sing! I didn’t know that.” There’s always the person who needs to sing louder than everyone else to prove that he knows the lyrics EVEN better than you do (and you thought you knew them by heart.) He not only knows the lyrics but he can sing the song in four-part harmony. Fuck him! Push him off the roof! He sings the loudest. He controls the pace. Fuck him! Push him off the roof! He sings the loudest. He makes you do it his way! Fuck him. Push him off the roof. Then you’ll really see some fireworks. And by fireworks I mean a dead guy who’s just been pushed off a roof.

20 Comments

  • Rachel
    Posted July 5, 2006 at 1:16 pm

    Show, why were you arrested?

  • Posted July 5, 2006 at 2:10 pm

    I would have totally said “Do you KNOW who I am”? and thrown a pen in his face a la Joan Rivers at the rental car place.

  • Posted July 5, 2006 at 2:52 pm

    i love how you say it like it is. you’re like the little boy in the story about the Emperor’s new clothes! plus, your mug shots look hot (with wooden shutters for a backdrop too!) i bet you’ve got a naturally-occuring non-steriod weiner and jumbo monster balls poopoo platter to boot. ~sigh!~ you’re sho fine!

  • Emily
    Posted July 5, 2006 at 4:17 pm

    wow i made the same horrible joke. mine went “oh great its the finale…or as i call it the FINALLY.” no one laughed at mine either.

  • goofy
    Posted July 5, 2006 at 4:59 pm

    hear, hear! anyway, I think the appropriate song to sing on the 4th of July is the theme from Love, American Style (this should be the anthem for the anti-war movement):

    Love American style
    Truer than the red, white and blue-ooh-ooh-OOH
    Love American style
    That’s me and you
    And on a star-spangled night my love (my love come to me)
    You can rest your head on my shoulder
    And by the dawn’s early light, my love
    I will defend your right to try
    Love American style
    That’s me and YOU!

  • Kaet
    Posted July 5, 2006 at 6:36 pm

    It was on his previous webpage…he got pulled over for a broken headlight, but his license was suspended due to not paying a traffic ticket (which he got for…of all things, Michael, talking on his cell phone while on a bridge).

    My favorite line was about Zog and driving your standard car. “It sounds like chitty chitty bang bang back there.”

    Happy fourth, you badass you.

  • Posted July 5, 2006 at 8:28 pm

    I just love those rainbows!

  • melinda
    Posted July 5, 2006 at 11:27 pm

    i’d rather watch project runway than watch some fireworks and hear someone singing.

  • Posted July 6, 2006 at 11:15 am

    Here in Chicago we had what looked like a finale but there turned out to be more fireworks in store, so of course I had to go and call it a “fauxnale.” People did laugh at that.

    But it’s probably because they were drunk.

  • Chloe
    Posted July 6, 2006 at 11:24 pm

    mmm Project Runway

  • Posted July 7, 2006 at 12:37 am

    ok so i wrote this “every firework show ive been to they play proud to be an american, i hate that song. fire works have gotten dull the older i get but im amazed by how much my dad still likes them.” but comment on the wrong post, all so i would like to add i injoy project runway.

  • Posted July 7, 2006 at 12:58 am

    i ate fruit salad and drank cola. but later in my dreams i broke into an auditorium to set off fireworks.
    but then i got into an argument with david bowie about wether we’d get caught or not.
    classic bowie.

  • Posted July 8, 2006 at 6:46 pm

    well, we had hamburgers and saw the fireworks and then afterwards we got some chocolate ice cream w/ cones and mixed it up w/ chocolate syrup. but nooo you had to go and have peach crumble. mmm peach crumble. you too lucky.

  • Posted July 10, 2006 at 9:08 pm

    Something else that is unforgivable is being expelled from the last soccer game of your career (which happens to be the World Cup finals) for headbutting a dude, consequently going into retirement with a red card rather than being named the ’06 World Cup’s Best Player.

    Oh, France.

  • Posted July 10, 2006 at 9:41 pm

    Good news! I halfway take back the previous statement, because it turns out Zidane still got the Golden Ball Award.

  • Posted July 16, 2006 at 2:04 pm

    Oh fuck, that caused me to laugh so hard that my stomach now hurts from hunching over.

    This comment did it: has a tiny shrunken steroid wiener and testicle combo platter.

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  • azza
    Posted November 2, 2007 at 11:26 pm

    jesus youd look so fuckin happy if you got arrested bahaha

  • Posted July 29, 2008 at 7:14 pm

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  • IowaSux
    Posted December 1, 2010 at 9:23 am

    I have just discovered you and your posts are making me literally laugh out loud while I’m eating breakfast in bed. Happy World AIDS Day. Or not happy?

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