Running really sucks. I’d much rather walk. I don’t mind jogging very very slowly. So slowly that I’m actually walking. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t like exercise. I enjoy walking at a certain clip. I enjoy that very much. Some might even call that speed walking. Call it what you will. I really don’t like running though. I find it very distasteful. I don’t like it all. Why? That’s the obvious question. Why? Why Michael do you not like running? Well, let’s start with the superficialities:
1) It’s look stupid. No, let me correct myself: I look stupid. I look like a zucchini with legs. No, worse, zucchini bread with legs. Have you ever seen zucchini bread running? Of course not. Because it’s stupid.
2) It’s fucked up. It’s fucked up because lots of times marathon runners lose control of their bowl movements near the end of the race and then they start wobbling and then they poo down their legs and that’s fucked up. Wobbling/running while pooing on your own leg is nothing short of very fucked up and totally stupid.
3) It feels wierd. Very wierd. It feels very wierd to have my skin and muscle tissue moving up and down on my frame. It’s like pulled pork. I’m afraid that I might at any moment turn a corner the wrong way and my carcass go flying off its hinges. That would suck. It would also be very disgusting. It would suck, be disgusting, fucked up and stupid.
4) It’s bad for you. I already mentioned the part about the pooing on the leg but it also gets your heart pumping and that could make you have a heart attack. Who wants that to happen? Not me. The last thing I want is to be running the last few miles of marathon, with crud streaming down my leg, then suddenly I have a heart attack all because I decide to run instead of walk at a clip. Running causes heart attacks. There’s no documentation to prove that but it’s true.
5) If you’re a guy your weiner flaps around like a wind sock. I can’t speak for the ladies but I’m assuming that the same could be said for your boobs.
In conclusion, running is bad for you; it makes you poo on your own leg; zucchini bread, wind-sock. It’s much better if you walk at certain clip.
26 Comments
You mis-spelt “weird” like a million times.
Yeah, a million.
what’s with everyone correcting your spelling
haha. i use to spell “weird” wierd ALL the fuckin time. even i know now its not right when i spell it. bad habits are hard to break man. anyways.
michael, get a treadmill.
you could always wear a thong in a pool. this way you’re weeny wiggles side to side instead of up and down!
Stop your bitching and deal with it, Michael! Oh about the wiener thing, it’s called a “jock strap”, I’d look into it. Us girls have a thing called a “sports bra” to deal with our jumblies.
On a personal note, I walk three miles a day and stopped eating sugar, I’ve seemed to get in shape that way. Walking is just as beneficial, and not as bad for your knees.
oh michael. that was the funniest thing i’ve read in a long time. you have certainly brightened my day. and you have gave me plenty of excuses to never run again. i’d like to see what you would look like as a zucchini bread though. that’s would be interesting.
Seeing you run in “The Baxter” I have to concur with you heartily about the zucchini-ness! But that’s ok, you look hot whilst speed-walking. Yes, running is bad for you! Bad on the shins, ankles, saggy boobs, weinerschnitzels and all. (even if you ran around the lava-loam track of the Reservoir…still not good for you)…but the poo thing is news to me! Weiner-the-poo!
does anyone know if chocolate is bad for squirrels? i just fed a squirrel some today. weiners made methink of nuts which made me think of squirrels.
yeah choco isn’t good for them.
However if you ever come across a rabbit they like poptarts especially cherry or strawberry.
I bet you used to run all the time, Michael, then you were watching the Dailies of the running sequence and you were like “nope. Never doing that again.”
What’s a “bowl movement”? ;)
With that being said, getcho an eliptical trainer…they rock my face.
papus, don’t feed chocolate (or power bars) to chipmunks either because if you’ve seen failure to launch you will know what happens. i saw failure to launch last night. it was alright. had some funny parts and i had no idea the amazing bradley cooper was going to be in it. yay!
thanks, i worry about the little guy. anyway, it was a pepperidge farm cookie…you know the ones with the chocolate stamped on one side? in other related news, i hear running is unnatural for humans, unless you’re a member of the Masai and need to run to send messages from tribe to tribe (since they don’t have ‘instant messenger’ ;)
Michael, seriously, elliptical machines are where it’s at. It’s like running in sand which is way better for you, it’s low-impact, and your business won’t flop about as if disconnected from your body.
Two words:
Aqua.
Aerobics.
There’s nothing better than running underwater…
Ps-
Spelling’s for jerks.
Hahaha Some cool buck I’d be- running down the marathon line with dookie pants.
This is interesting you guys! Hold the presses:
http://www.bodognation.com/poker-news/poker-a-family-game-for-team-bodog-player.html
kaet….thats a fucked up spelling….anyways….you balance the walkin out with blowjobs and it is about equally bad for the knees…..if you ran 3 miles instead of walkin it you would have to have knee replacement by now
You fat fuck
This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title s Blog : Why I Hate Running. Thanks for informative article
Cool!
Interesting…
roflmao so fuckin funny. i cant stop laughing.
I have run a marathon and i can tell u that does happen if u dotn take a dump before u run. Running is the easiest sport ever if u can man up and not be a fat fucker.
good article :-)