Michael Showalter » 2006

May 2, 2006

Penis M&Ms

Next time you go to the movies. Instead of ordering “Peanut M&Ms” say, “I’d like some Penis M&Ms.” See if the employee notices the difference.

For advanced players: “Penisbutter M&Ms”; also “Penisbutter and vagina jelly sandwich.”

Posted at 6:04pm in Observances | Permalink | Comments (3) |

May 2, 2006

I was listening to WFAN 660 AM sports radio and my favorite WFAN announcer Rich Ackerman was talking about the NFL Draft and he was saying that small running backs could be very successful in the NFL and he said that Tiki Barber of the New York Giants (who is small) was, and I quote, “Built like a brick…” Then he paused, then he finished, “…you know what.” No, as a matter of fact, I don’t know what. What did he mean? What’s he talking about? Why couldn’t he say it? Was it a dirty word that he didn’t want to say? “Brick of shit”? “Brick of Pussy”? He didn’t even say “Brick of.” He just said, “Brick…you know what.” So maybe there’s no “of.” “Brick fuck?” “Brick Cock?” I can’t figure it out. Here’s a dubious photo of Tiki.

Posted at 5:32pm in Observances | Permalink | Comments (3) |

May 2, 2006

A Second Author

Excerpt from today’s NYT: In one scene in Ms. Kinsella’s book, which was published by Dial Press, the main character, Emma, comes upon two of her friends “in a full-scale argument about animal rights,” and one says, “The mink like being made into coats.” In Ms. Viswanathan’s book, Opal, the heroine, encounters two girls having “a full-fledged debate over animal rights.” “The foxes want to be made into scarves,” one of them says.

She changed “full-scale” to “full-fledged”; “argument” to “debate”; “mink” into “fox”; and “coat” into “scarf.” That’s amazing.

Posted at 5:25pm in Observances | Permalink | Comments (1) |

May 2, 2006

www.indigopeople.com

Last summer I bought this amazing shirt.

Only it was more than shirt because you could button it or zip it up. My friend Teddy dubbed it a “shacket.”

Which of course is a combination between shirt and jacket. Teddy’s very smart. It was olive green, made of a light cotton twill. I have no idea if that’s true about the cotton twill but it sounds good. In fact, I have no idea if there’s such a thing as cotton twill. In any regard, I lost the shacket. Don’t know where. Somewhere. It’s gone. My suspicion is that it’s in Los Angeles. I probably left it in a Starbucks. I loved that shacket. It was a major conversation piece. So, last week I went back to the place where I bought it, a small store on Smith Street called Watt. Watt sells cool men’s clothes like Ben Sherman and Built By Wendy. I described the shacket to them. They remembered it and said that the company who made it, Indigo People, had gone out-of-business. They said that they’d check their storage to see if they had any but that they doubted it and that I was probably out of luck. So, a few days went by, I hadn’t heard from the folks at Watt. I called them. They told me that they didn’t find one in storage. They told me I’m out-of-luck. On a lark I Google “Indigo People.” I get their website. It’s got a phone number on it. I call the number.
“Hello?”
“Uh…hello…is this Indigo People?” I say.
“Uh…yeah?” The guy on the other end has an Asian accent. He sounds suspicious.
“Is this…are you…Indigo People?”
“Yeah. That’s me.”
“Really? You’re Siri?” The people at Watt told me that the designer behind Indigo People was named Siri.
“What do you want?” He says.
“Could I have just a few minutes of your time?”
“Uh…I guess.”
He listens to me. I tell him about losing the shacket. To make a long story short, he invites me to his studio on Canal Street, in Chinatown. I go to his studio. It’s really cool. He has bodices and fabrics. He tells me a bit about himself. He’s from Thailand. He went to art school there for theatrical costume design but switched over. He has one olive green shacket left. He told me that he made six of them total. He’s also got it in grey, black, and tan. I buy an olive green one and a grey one. (He gave me a great discount.) All of his clothes are unique: jackets; sweatshirts; button down shirts; pants; shorts; t-shirts. Lots of interesting patterns and fabrics. He tells me about his new collection which is influenced by a Viennese architect named Josef Hoffman whose work was influenced by Indonesian patterns. I asked him if he bought his fabrics at Mood (I learned about Mood from watching Project Runway.) He said, some of them. I felt very in the know. I highly recommend keeping an eye out for his clothes. His label is called Indigo People.

Posted at 4:20pm in Observances | Permalink | Comments (42) |

May 2, 2006

The 40 Year Old Piece of Gum

This is the new ad campaign for Double Mint gum.

This is the poster for “The 40 Year Old Virgin”

Any connection?

Posted at 3:31pm in Observances | Permalink | Comments (1) |

May 1, 2006

“Jonestown” Tribeca Film Festival

Saw “Jonestown” documentary today at the Tribeca Film Festival with old college buddies Phil and Matt. Movie is very good. Doesn’t shed any major new light on it but it definitely goes far more in depth than anything else I’ve seen. Starts in Indiana, moves to California, then ends in Jonestown. Some amazing footage of his sermons in San Francisco. His followers swaying, singing, you could feel the energy. Things descend rapidly. The entire Jonestown section was really disturbing. The filmmakers did some really good interviews with survivors of the tragedy. There’s a lot of speculation as to how Jim Jones died. At the end, of the movie they say he died of a gunshot wound but don’t say whether or not it was self-inflicted. Stayed for a Q&A. Most interesting thing at Q&A was filmmaker’s revelation that he’d lost many relatives in the massacre. Sad. (Fyi, ran into Judah Friedlander at the screening. He and I were sitting next to each other and raising our hands enthusiastically at the Q &A but didn’t get called on. After the Q&A we both went up to the filmmakers and asked our questions. Mine was, “How long did it take to make the film?” They said, “One year.” Judah’s was, “How much money does Jim Jones have stashed away?” Their answer was “Alot.”) Some photos attached: Judah on the escalator; the poster for the film, coincidence that it was being screened in theater #13?

Posted at 8:07pm in Movie Reviews | Permalink | Comments (2) |

May 1, 2006

David Blaine Drenches Himself Alive!

“American illusionist David Blaine blacked out on Friday while holding his breath underwater in preparation for his latest daredevil stunt. Blaine was at a pool in New York City when he passed out while training to break a world record by holding his breath underwater for nine minutes. He blamed the incident on his brutal regime, telling PageSix.com, “I’ve been working too hard and I’m already dieting, so missing one meal can really mess me up.” The illusionist will spend seven days submerged underwater in a fishbowl-like sphere and will then attempt to break the record. Filming will begin on his latest special, David Blaine: Drowned Alive, on Monday at Lincoln Center Square in New York City.”

Everytime David Blaine is about to do one of his stunts, something goes wrong at the last minute to remind us that it’s real, but then, in the eleventh hour he really does sit in the box, or lie down in the ice bag, or hang upside down from a wall, or drench himself living, or whatever he does. “I really am going to hold my breath under water for a week! See? I almost died while ‘practicing holding my breath.’ Do you believe me now?” Are we really supposed to think this is incident is an accident? Hogwash! Bah! It’s scripted. It’s PR. Honestly though, I do love it. The world is a better place with David Blaine in it. I do believe that.

Posted at 10:38am in Observances | Permalink | Comments (3) |

May 1, 2006

“Dough You Take This Woman To Be Your Lawfully Wedded Wife?”

Tell me if you see a pattern here. These are the occupations of all the bridegrooms in this week’s (4/30/06) “Weddings/Celebrations” section of the Sunday NYT. Also, notice who has a photo and who doesn’t.

1. Tim Hall (photo) – Portfolio Manager at Deltic Assets (Investment Firm.)
2. Evan Brown (no photo) – Owns of ToolFetch.com, sells construction equipment.
3. Chris Gunderson (photo) – Assistant VP of Sales at Pershing Advisor Solutions, and investment services subsidiary of the Bank Of New York.
4. Andy Colyer (photo) – Portfolio Manager and research analyst at Sands Capital Management, an investment managment firm in Arlington, VA.
5. Marshall Holland (no photo) –Sales Rep at Alcon Labs, pharmaceutical company.
6. Sleiman “T” Zogheib (photo) – Senior Sales rep at Lighting Dynamics, a company which represents lighting makers.
7. Steve Lukes (no photo) – Professor of Sociology at NYU.
8. John Corbett (no photo) –Account Executive at Avrett Free Ginsberg, ad agency.
9. Chris Sullivan (no photo) – Account Manager at MacMillan, public relations firm.
10. Matt Bronson (photo) – Stock Trader at Stuart Frankel & Co.
11. Adrian Stewart (photo) – Mergers & Acquistions at Law Firm of Mayer, Brown, Rowe & Maw.
12. Mike Pasztor (photo) – Head of Client Services at Deriv/Serv, a New York subsidiary of the Depository Trust and Clearing Corp that processes confirmations for over-the-counter derivatives. (What the fuck is that????!!!!!!??????)
13. Greg Lowell (no photo) – Senior Manager in the strategy practice at Accenture, management consultants.
14. Dave Alcosser (no photo) – Hedge fund trader at Schottenfeld Group.
15. Paul Raeder (no photo) – Associate Director of Fund Raising at Princeton University. Until, 2004, Paul, 54, was the president of ComCapital Group, a media investment banking firm.
16. Eric Bertelson (photo) – Manager advising on acquisitions in the corporate finance division of TimeWarner.
17. Jason Hyndman (no photo) – Production assisantant on “Deadliest Catch: Crab Fishing In Alaska” on the Discovery Channel.
18. Brett Moraski (photo) – VP for corporate development and investments at Highmark, a health insurer.
19. Matt Karajannis (photo) – Pediatrician.
20. Rich Freed (no photo) – General Practitioner
21. Giacomo Picco (no photo) – Senior analyst at KS Capital Partners.
22. Dan Decelles (photo) – Director of health care group of the investment banking division of Citigroup in New York.
23. Chris Zaccone (photo) – Graphic designer.
24. Dan Sage (no photo) – Associate Professor of Math at LSU.
25. Jim Bronstein (no photo) – Associate at CIBC World Markets, an investment unit of the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce.
26. Paul Gutman (photo) – Associate in investment management at law firm of Schulte Roth & Zabel.

Some cogent stats:

Number of Grooms directly involved in sales and finance: 18 out of 26.
Number of Grooms directly involved in being professors: 2 out of 26.
Number of Grooms directly involved in being doctors: 2 out of 26.
Number of Grooms directly involved in being the founder of ToolFetch.com: 1 out of 26.
Number of Grooms directly involved in being a graphic designer: 1 out of 26.
Number of Grooms directly involved in being a PA on a crab fishing show: 1 out of 26.
Number of Grooms directly involved in being Head of Client Services at Deriv/Serv, a New York subsidiary of the Depository Trust and Clearing Corp that processes confirmations for over-the-counter derivatives: 1 out of 26.
Number of Grooms with the word “investment” in their job description: 7 out of 26.

Bonus stats:

Number of Grooms with photos directly involved with sales or finance: 9 out of 12.
Number of Grooms with photos not directly involved with sales or finance: 3 out of 12.
Fastest land mammal is the cheetah.
Alfred Hitchcock never won an Oscar.

Posted at 12:17am in Observances | Permalink | Comments (1) |

May 1, 2006

How Do You Sleep? I Think I Know the Answer.

Have you read about the Harvard girl, Kaavya Viswanathan, whose highly publicized chick-lit novel “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, And Got a Life,” is being pulled off the shelves by Little, Brown because numerous passages in it have been plagiarized? She’s like James Frey only she’s not James Frey she’s Kaavya Viswanathan. I’m so appalled by these stories. How do these people sleep at night? It’s like that John Lennon song that he wrote to Paul McCartney for being such a sellout, “How Do You Sleep?” I hear that lyric in my head every time I read about these stories. Kaavya, how do you sleep? When “Million Little Pieces” was a smash hit best-seller, how did James Frey sleep knowing that he had lied to everybody!? While the sales of his book continued to climb to astronomical heights and he’s going around to college campuses lecturing, book tours, appearances on Oprah, signing movie deals, TV deals, more book deals, and making up more lies, how did he sleep? Didn’t he feel bad, guilty, scared? Anything? And the Harvard girl? How does she sleep? Wasn’t she afraid of being found out? Doesn’t she feel like stealing someone else’s words is wrong? Didn’t anyone tell her that stealing entire chapters from someone else’s book probably isn’t a good idea? Didn’t her parents teach her that “honesty is the best policy”? At least she could have put the stolen chapters in quotations and then footnoted the actual author. I’m just confused here. I feel as though “the truth” is way less important than it used to be in our society and that makes me sad. Nowhere is it worse than in pro sports where athletes just deny, deny, deny. What happened to the whole Honest Abe chopping down the cherry tree thing? Or was that George Washington? Either way, I know there’s a cherry tree and I know that Abe was honest and I know that that’s important. So, how do they all sleep at night? My guess is that it’s Ambien.

(Here’s a little imagined conversation to illustrate my theory.)

Me: Hey Kaavya Viswanathan, how do you sleep at night?
KV: Oh, that’s easy, Michael, I pop an Ambien.
Me: Really?
KV: Yeah. That way I can avoid thinking about all of the fucked up lies I’ve been telling.
Me: Wow. And that works?
KV: Totally. I take one Ambien, lie down in bed, pass out cold, and wake up 8 hours later feeling totally refreshed and have very successfully avoided having to look at myself or any of the heinous fabrications that I have perpetrated in any way.
Me: Cool. Maybe I’ll try that.
KV: You should.
Me: Yeah. I will.
KV: Have you done anything really fucked that you’re in denial about?
Me: Maybe. I gotta think about it.
KV: Cool. Think about it and get back to me.
Me: Yeah. I will.
KV: Cool.
(Awkward pause.)
Me: So…I guess let’s exchange emails or something?
KV: Why?
Me: So…that I can get back to you…
KV: Oh…because…um…
Me: What?
KV: This isn’t a real conversation.
Me: It’s not?
KV: No. It’s a made up conversation. You’re actually writing my lines.
Me: I am?
KV: Yeah.
Me: Oh.
KV: Yeah.
Me: Wierd.
KV: Yeah.
Me: Cool. Okay…well…
(Awkward pause)
Me: See ya…
KV: Yeah, definitely. See you later.
Me: Okay. Bye.
KV: Bye.
(Pause. Neither of us actually leaves.)
Me: Really? I’m really writing your lines.
KV: Yep.
Me: Wow…kind of trippy…
KV: Yeah. Well, I kind of have to get going…
Me: Oh…
KV: I’m still in school. I mean, in spite of all this stuff going on, I’m still in school.
Me: Wow. That must be hard.
KV: Gigantic flapping turds!
Me: Holy shit, I am writing your lines!
KV: Bins of parn!
Me: Parn? What’s parn?
KV: The Earl of Poo wants more soda!
Me: The Earl of Poo wants what? Who’s the Earl of Poo?

In conclusion: James Frey and the Harvard girl should be ashamed of themselves; society doesn’t care about the truth anymore which is fucked up; Barry Bonds should retire because it would suck if he passed Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list while being all chock full of steroids; Abe was honest and there was a cherry tree and that’s a good thing; Ambien is the denial drug; Oprah dodged a bullet.

Posted at 12:11am in Observances | Permalink | Comments (82) |