“An American Haunting” Review: “Shitty Movie That Haunted Me And I’m American”

This movie didn’t make me believe in ghosts but it did make me believe in movie reviews (unless they’re negative towards me.) The NYT said: “An American Haunting” is scary all right, but not for anyone in the audience. That’s not what you wanna hear about a horror film. Because of the period aspect of it and the cast it seemed like it could be a good movie, maybe sort of a “Wisconsin Death Trip” kind of thing. But no. It’s bad right from the start. Donald Sutherland has a cheesy haircut that brings to mind Eric Clapton’s “Forever Man” phase. The hilarity begins in earnest when the teenage daughter is literally bitch slapped repeatedly by the invisible poltergeist, she screams blood murder, is totally, understandably freaked out, Sissy Spacek runs in to her bedroom, hugs, touches her hair and immediately offers this nugget of wisdom, “Ssh. It’s okay. Go back to sleep.” The daughters response should have been, “What the fuck are you talking about woman!? Go back to sleep?!?! I just got bitch slapped by a ghost!” But instead, she…goes back to sleep. It only gets worse…or better…depending on your mood. The next amazing moment of stupidity comes a few scenes after the ghost has attacked again. This time, the ghost lifts the girl off the floor by her hair, bitch slaps her some more, all of this in front of Sissy Spacek, Donald Sutherland, the brother, and their family friend. I repeat: They all watch her getting beaten up by the ghost. Next day, the go to the “level headed” school teacher. He’s disbelieving. He says, “Ghosts don’t exist.” They’re like, “But we saw it!” He’s like, “But did you really see? Maybe there was someone hiding in the rafters holding her up!” They’re like, “Hm. Maybe.” He’s like, “And the slapping…that’s an old school boy trick…pea shooter!” What??????? They’re like, “Hm. Yeah.” They’re like, “What about the fact that it took three of us to get the door open?” He’s like, “You said it was raining. Maybe the wood got bloated.” They’re like, “He’s got a point.” Bloated? Their daughter was getting her butt kicked by a ghost. It’s all down hill from there. Bad acting, Clapton hair, excessive bitch slapping poltergeist. Overall grade: A + (for extreme shittiness)

17 comments

  1. noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! I wanted to see this movie! well i guess i can wait until video considering i found out what they did to the ending which had NOTHING to do with the real story, and your review just puts my undies in a twist. gah!!

  2. I’m not one for censorship, but I think if you toned done the language some you could totally be a movie critic.

  3. Je deteste American horror films…

    …except for Signs… :)

  4. Bleeh…nowadays most horror films are crap…

  5. I’ll have to assume the girl being bitch-slapped by Casper was the inciting incident. That sounds like a terrible, terrible film.
    The trailer kind of looked cool, but clearly it was a fatal flaw waiting to happen.

  6. beelzeebubbles

    They should change the title to “Un-American Haunches.”

  7. The Exorcism of Emily Rose is decent. Its not bloody and well done additionally as a trial. Jennifer Carpenter (guess who her dad is) plays Emily. Keep an eye on her. She rocks!

  8. beelzeebubbles

    Better if the ghost was played by Caspar Weinberger. That would be awesome bitch-slapping!

  9. Sorry you didn’t enjoy it- I myself have yet to see it, but I can tell from your review alone that it sounds very shitty. But I do reccomend the cinematic materpiece entitled “Madea’s Family Reunion”, starring cross-dresser Tyler Perry and two (presumably) menopausal women.

  10. I had to share this. Supposedly this guy created Da Vinci’s voice And Mona Lisa’s

    http://promotion.msn.co.jp/davinci/voice.htm

  11. Thanks for that review. I’m a huge horror flick junkie, and hadn’t had a chance to check out that one out, review wise.
    And speaking of…this is the best site for movie reviews (imho) http://www.rottentomatos.com

  12. Wow. Major grammatical no-nos in my reply. Please disregard the sloppiness kind sir.

  13. I hated that movie. I walked out after 15 minutes of it. I live in Tennessee, like down the street from where all that shit went down. That girl was stupid too, and couldn’t act. And why did she keep sleeping in her room???

  14. This movie scared me. Because the bell witch house is right by me. I live in Clarksville which is next to Adams. I didn’t watch the whole movie, I got up and left. I also felt bad because everytime something popped out, I’d use profanity in the theater.

  15. Amen to all of it. This movie was a complete and total waste of my time and money. I mean…What the FUCK?! I go to see a movie to be entertained. I don’t know if the English language even has a word for the totality of disgust and disappointemnt I’d simultaneously felt by the time this piece of shit was finally over with.

  16. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

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