May 1, 2006

How Do You Sleep? I Think I Know the Answer.

Have you read about the Harvard girl, Kaavya Viswanathan, whose highly publicized chick-lit novel “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, And Got a Life,” is being pulled off the shelves by Little, Brown because numerous passages in it have been plagiarized? She’s like James Frey only she’s not James Frey she’s Kaavya Viswanathan. I’m so appalled by these stories. How do these people sleep at night? It’s like that John Lennon song that he wrote to Paul McCartney for being such a sellout, “How Do You Sleep?” I hear that lyric in my head every time I read about these stories. Kaavya, how do you sleep? When “Million Little Pieces” was a smash hit best-seller, how did James Frey sleep knowing that he had lied to everybody!? While the sales of his book continued to climb to astronomical heights and he’s going around to college campuses lecturing, book tours, appearances on Oprah, signing movie deals, TV deals, more book deals, and making up more lies, how did he sleep? Didn’t he feel bad, guilty, scared? Anything? And the Harvard girl? How does she sleep? Wasn’t she afraid of being found out? Doesn’t she feel like stealing someone else’s words is wrong? Didn’t anyone tell her that stealing entire chapters from someone else’s book probably isn’t a good idea? Didn’t her parents teach her that “honesty is the best policy”? At least she could have put the stolen chapters in quotations and then footnoted the actual author. I’m just confused here. I feel as though “the truth” is way less important than it used to be in our society and that makes me sad. Nowhere is it worse than in pro sports where athletes just deny, deny, deny. What happened to the whole Honest Abe chopping down the cherry tree thing? Or was that George Washington? Either way, I know there’s a cherry tree and I know that Abe was honest and I know that that’s important. So, how do they all sleep at night? My guess is that it’s Ambien.

(Here’s a little imagined conversation to illustrate my theory.)

Me: Hey Kaavya Viswanathan, how do you sleep at night?
KV: Oh, that’s easy, Michael, I pop an Ambien.
Me: Really?
KV: Yeah. That way I can avoid thinking about all of the fucked up lies I’ve been telling.
Me: Wow. And that works?
KV: Totally. I take one Ambien, lie down in bed, pass out cold, and wake up 8 hours later feeling totally refreshed and have very successfully avoided having to look at myself or any of the heinous fabrications that I have perpetrated in any way.
Me: Cool. Maybe I’ll try that.
KV: You should.
Me: Yeah. I will.
KV: Have you done anything really fucked that you’re in denial about?
Me: Maybe. I gotta think about it.
KV: Cool. Think about it and get back to me.
Me: Yeah. I will.
KV: Cool.
(Awkward pause.)
Me: So…I guess let’s exchange emails or something?
KV: Why?
Me: So…that I can get back to you…
KV: Oh…because…um…
Me: What?
KV: This isn’t a real conversation.
Me: It’s not?
KV: No. It’s a made up conversation. You’re actually writing my lines.
Me: I am?
KV: Yeah.
Me: Oh.
KV: Yeah.
Me: Wierd.
KV: Yeah.
Me: Cool. Okay…well…
(Awkward pause)
Me: See ya…
KV: Yeah, definitely. See you later.
Me: Okay. Bye.
KV: Bye.
(Pause. Neither of us actually leaves.)
Me: Really? I’m really writing your lines.
KV: Yep.
Me: Wow…kind of trippy…
KV: Yeah. Well, I kind of have to get going…
Me: Oh…
KV: I’m still in school. I mean, in spite of all this stuff going on, I’m still in school.
Me: Wow. That must be hard.
KV: Gigantic flapping turds!
Me: Holy shit, I am writing your lines!
KV: Bins of parn!
Me: Parn? What’s parn?
KV: The Earl of Poo wants more soda!
Me: The Earl of Poo wants what? Who’s the Earl of Poo?

In conclusion: James Frey and the Harvard girl should be ashamed of themselves; society doesn’t care about the truth anymore which is fucked up; Barry Bonds should retire because it would suck if he passed Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list while being all chock full of steroids; Abe was honest and there was a cherry tree and that’s a good thing; Ambien is the denial drug; Oprah dodged a bullet.

Posted at 12:11am in Observances |

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